Melayang Layang

it is only 8.55 in the morning and my head is already not in the right state of mind. i can't think straight. my mind wonders.

a colleague just reminded me we have an exam to attend next week.. damn.. i'm still not prepared. (and that was not even the reason). even the easiest of task of data-entry also seems difficult. as i said my mind wonders through space.

just thankful i'm not doing any work that requires me to use my brain extensively. because i really can't concentrate right now.

not good. the last time i was like this it took me a looooong time to recover an a few kilos too.

i thought i can handle it. countless of songs herd, photos stare at, massages read. the effect was minimal. it thought i'm getting ok.

well, suprise surprise!.. i'm wrong again.. and again.. and again.. and again..

i'm just staring at my office's laptop LCD screen. staring blank. while listening to some songs.

i'm getting mad am i?.. 

Aku Kehilangan Lagi Seorang Sahabat.

why?

the same question i thought i had left behind suddenly came knocking again. i'm happy but sad at the same time. in 2 days time a good friend will tie the knot and i'm so happy for him. but deep down i will miss him very much.

things will be different of course. we have been friends for 9 years, housemates for 5 year. been together for ups n downs.

i'm just sad. and i felt so lonely. lots of people left me.

Alahai.. Apa Lah Nasib Aku..

currently i'm in a very sad mood. because my laptop rosak.

yesterday while i was surfing, suddenly the screen turn blank and it shuts down. i restarted it and the screen still turn out blank..

BLANK!..

the power light was on, the hard disk light was also blinking. so did the wifi and the bluetooth lights. but the damn screen shows nothing. only a blank black screen..

aaaaaaaaarrrrrggghhhhhh!!!

i'm using my sisters's laptop right now.

sigh! :(

felt like my life turns dark too. blank. empty. because i can't live without it. it is my life! went to consult a friend. he said he wasn't sure. but maybe the hard disk rosak...

hard disk rosak?! oh my God..

i don't mind other hardware malfuntioning but NOT the hard disk! i stored a lot of things in there. most of it i don't have any copies. don't mind about other things but my photos and pictures. gosh.. my photo collections. my time machine. my memories. it's priceless. and i may end up losing all of it.. gone..

sad. so sad. i just feel wanna cry right now..

:'(

Rasa Tak Best

why ah? you get this uneasy feeling and it followed you the whole day. this uneasiness is really bugging me the whole day. and it really sucks!

me: the answer is 'socialize'.
people: what the heck?.. what are you talking about?
me: i mean the answer to my uneasiness is 'socialize'.
people: ??..

ok. let me explain. i am a very social person. woo.. hold on there.. not 'that' kind of social. what i meant was i need friends to talk with, hang out, lepak. you know.. socialize. it's like my mojo la. i can't be alone by myself for a certain period of time. i need a dose of laughter, sarcasm, humor, politic, sports, issues or anything la senang. i need my friends. i need a whole bunch of them!

that's the problem. i ain't got a lot.

it has been a few days and its killing me. tried to arrange one today but they couldn't come. dang!
well, i do have my housemate though but i see him almost every day and i'm out of idea on how to make fun of him or pissed him. =P

i am a lively person. with the right bunch of people i am very huru hara. senang cerita, i like to have fun. because it makes me forget. forget what?.. forget a lot of things la.. hish!.. i need to have a good time.

i need it bad!.. aaaargghh!

hmm.. i'm also wondering about someone. how are you today?

Mengagumi Seseorang

ever heard this lyric?

"mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
mengagumi tanpa di cintai
tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
dengan hidupmu"

don't you really hate it when you start to like someone but you just can't do anything about it?

you never believe let alone meeting someone you 'like', online! never happened to you before. but life is already strange enough though.

you never meet her. just pictures on a social networking site. but yet you feel you've known her a long time already. unique and different. she's friendly, intelligent, charming, cute, fun. such a sweet lady. she eases your suffering. she makes you smile. she makes you forget about your dark past *people thought you were crazy!*.. i think the right word is, she's amazing!

but it scares you so much. you're scared of the pain you'll get for liking someone that you can't get. another pain is the last thing you ever want again. you dream bout her but you are not her type! it's really hard enough to find someone that is 'compatible' with you but she just has no feelings for you. enough said.

that's why its better to shut our mouth and just.. enjoy everything as much as you can. you know.. before she.. disappear. sucks isn't it. but the thing is, shutting up is also painful, right?

but its better than making a fool out of yourself and scares her away.

furthermore she likes somebody else already. i mean who are you? she's an angel and you are the devil.

Yang Terakhir

i told a friend. if this is not working. then this would be my last.

no more trying. for a long time.

terima hakikat.

Aku = Loser

bloody loser.

why do i always did the wrong things?.. scared people away.

demmit..

sometimes i don't know what to do with myself anymore. my only intention was just to cheer. but even that was a bad move :(

so sorry.

tried to do the right thing. tried not to sound like a jerk. but i blew it all away. stupid!.. i sucks at these kind of thing.

this is what you get when you are 'polluted'. what ever good your intentions are, you are bound to do mistakes. that mistakes will cost you dearly.

even when you are not the person you once was. even when you are trying hard to improve yourself to be a good person. i want to be good. i really do.

until i found that.. wait.. i am not allowed to search for it. because when ever i found them, i made mistakes again. so the right sentence is, until they are GIVEN to me.

i'm beginning to loose faith. i'm close to stop believing.

Kenapa?

why?

i'm tired la. life is... aaarghhh!

Kebetulan Yang Memeritkan

WHY is it when some very significant event happened to me, it seems that nobody is around?

it always happened during which i needed companionship at the most. EVERYTIME!

a friend gone balik jb. the other one are on his way to a friend's wedding in sg. petani. these are the only two people that are 'accessible' to hang out with or just lepaking. but both are not available on the same day when i needed them the most!..

perfect coincidence right?.. yeah.. what a perfect coincidence.

enough said.

Satu lagi Episod Dalam Hidup Ku

the sadness is almost unbearable. i need to talk to some. i'm going crazy. it's already midnight. i need to talk to somebody. who am i going to call in the middle of the night?.. fuck!..

eventually i text my sister. not knowing who's picture i send her she called me back. then hell broke loose again. not my sister, but me..

kesian kakak. she tried her best to console me. she is the best sister ever.

i'm totally out and numb.

at this moment of time. sekarang ni, minit ni, saat ni.. aku really wish i have no feeling what so ever. aku wish aku ni seorang yang langsung takde perasaan. yang tak berperasaan. hati kering. hati keras. call it anything you want. kejam. jadi macam batu kayu besi dinding.

sebab kalau tak jadi macam sekarang ni. sedih, bercelaru, murung, lemah.. segala-galanya ada. aku dah tak boleh gambarkan.

sebenarnya this past week my mood was quite good. sampai aku sendiri terdesar eh, seems like aku happy je. aku tak fikir banyak. tengok final bola. dua-dua game menang. sampai aku kata mungkin Allah nak bagi aku happy. sampai macam tu sekali aku terasa my mood was pretty good. tapi di hati kecil aku bersyukur. dengan menaruh harapan dapat bertahan lama.

rupanya.. aku silap.. lagi..

aku risau kalau tetiba aku terasa happy. i'm really worried when things goes my way! because it seems.. not right. strange but true. and guess what. IT'S TRUE.

dah pukul 3:22 AM. aku nak keluar kejap kot.. hari dah malam. dah nak pagi subuh pun.

ish.. sedih nya aku. macam nana nak bagi hilang ah?.. macam mana?..

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW???!!!

I HATE THIS FUCKING FEELING! FUCKING HATE IT!

"4 Missed Call"

i have been staring at the screen for like eternity, thinking of what are the right words to start this post. and still don't have a clue.

i feel like writing something. i want to write something. i just don't know how to start.

today i felt quite sad actually. partly because i didn't answer a phone call. the irony was that i've been waiting haplessly for it and when it did finally rang, i was unaware of the blaring loud ringtone because i was in a deep fucking 'death' sleep (directly translated from tido mati). fuck! - that is what happen when you just starting to sleep during a time when other people are busy going to work.

the moment i woke up (and saw the missed call) my mood was nowhere to be found. so i started the day with the feeling of.. sadness.

only at somewhere around 5.30pm did i realize that i need to go out from my house. because i'm getting depressed.

i did some lepaking at kepong. managed to socialized with a few friends. clearing my mind of a few things.. for a while. when they started to go home around 8pm, well i should do the same.

on the way, thinking i don't want to pray in a rush i decided to stop by the mosque. i always admire the new kepong mosque. it is so modern and beautiful.

and one thing about praying in a mosque is that the state of calmness you are in. it's so different with praying alone at the comfort of our room everyday.

after prayer i decided to stay for the Yasin recitation. considering tonight was malam jumaat. week in week out i had been reciting it alone in my room, so i guess maybe i need a little change once in a while.

and boy we could really feel the difference doesn't it? the atmosphere, circumstances, mood, situation makes us more calm, serene, down to earth. i think the right word is more "kusyuk".

the imam said doing jemaah or reciting in groups is always better than doing alone. also the chances of our doa being heard are higher than doing it alone. maybe its kind of a teamwork thing. well, you know the concept. don't need to explain in details.

it is really hard when we really miss something or someone. it really gets into you that sometime hopeless is like a best friend, depress is your food and you drink tears. damn!

i asked a lot from God just now (and everyday infact). family, myself, someone. maybe mine were the least listen to but who know. maybe.. just maybe.

i went back home after isyak. still feeling down but better than earlier. so to speak.

i logged on at around after 9pm just now and now its already 1.42am. took more than 4 hours just thinking of what to write. countless minutes of walking around and to many poison smoke inhaled already (i lost count).

hmm.. i think i should sign off for tonight. my eyes are getting tired and sore watching at the screen.

-02:04am-

yours truthfully,

Hidup Untuk Makan?

has anybody, at any one time or any other time, felt empty inside? you wake up one night and suddenly you felt that there was this emptiness in your life. i

t was like, what are your purpose of living right now? what do you live for? where are you going? or what you should be doing now? and the sad thing is, you can't answer all the questions because.. you don't have one.

that was what happened to me yesterday. after i reached home from work i'm so tired i fell asleep quite early around after 7pm and when i woke up around 3 hours later, suddenly, there was this feeling of emptiness.

i felt that i lack a purpose. i just can't quite express what i felt but more or less just like the questions i mentioned earlier.

the feeling followed me through the next wake-up and that was this morning. i barely sleep last night.

i hate that.

God, i really need something right now.. maybe something with a little purpose.

Melabuhkan Tirai 2008

"Selamat Tinggal 2008"

pejam celik pejam celik.. aik, today is the last day of 2008? wait *sambil gosok mata tengok calender kat henpon*.. yup, i think it is.

gosh! can you believe it? i repeat-today is the last day of 2008. it's like a blink of an eye and suddenly we are nearing the end. tomrrow is going to be a new year. a new beginning. whether we realise it or not a year has pass and most of us must be wondering what have we done or achieved or contribute or gain or whatever to whatever issues or target or objectives or goals that has been set or focused on or prioritised or.. something like that, this whole year. so the verdict? bad, very bad, worst, ok, good, very good, excellent? or maybe not so sure? it's in your hand. you decide.

so how about me? how does my life fare this year?

well.. truthfuly, this is the year that i really wouldn't want to remember. the year that i really want to forget. 2008 promises a new beginning, a new chapter. and indeed it was. but in a different kind of way and a different kind of twist. infact it was so twisted i became entangled in it. badly.

this is the year of mourning. i mourned a lot. i mean a lot! well i guess the effect you'll get when in shock. i mourned, i grief, i question a few things etc etc.. i'm getting mad aka crazy! :-) i could turn into the hulk. hehe.. luckily i managed to control my heartbeat thus preventing myself turning into a green-like monster. scary..

"Ada yang Hilang-Ipang"

i lost something this year. you might say "dude normal la tuh. everybody lost something somewhere. A lost his cat, B lost her earring, C got lost in the jungle and so on". i know but this year is especially stand out from the rest because the things i'd lost are the one that i cherish the most. that i loved the most. one of it was my scooter. i'm quite baffle myself as to why THIS year i lost quite a number or things that was dearest to me? one thing lead to another. coincidence or just plain bad luck only God knows. when you thought things were bad enough, it became very bad, then worst and then worst-er. God.. it totally drained you untill you were completly felt dejected an out of bound. i was walking on a very thin line of thread. there were no sunny days. the rain stop occasionally but the skies never opened up. it realy smacked you hard in the face.. or maybe the groin area.

at the same time i learned a lot this year. in work and in life. in work because i got a new job. in life because of the mourning-grieving-and-questioning thing. there were lessons learned. one thing that i learned was that we should never take things for granted. anything. friends, family, partners or even your enemy. i regreted a lot of things that i have ever did in my life. oh how i wish i could take it all back..

"Trying To find My Way-Lifehouse"

untill now i'm still searching on what is still left of me or for me. i'm still trying to find my way out. is it left or right? north or south? i'm not sure. haven't make up my mind yet. or maybe i'm not up to it yet.

"Seperti Yang Dulu-Ungu"

apa azam tahun depan?
who? me?

same as this year kot. none. hehe.. actually i have one but it didn't materialised. maybe i'll try again this year. so what do i hope for? well, i wish that 2009 will be at least for the better if not the best. i pray for the best. like everyone else i pray next year things would turn my way. i endured a lot this year so i really need it. i crave for it! i hope there is a silver lining somewhere for me.

last but not least, i would like to take this opportunity to wish all the people in this world a very Happy New Year 2009. may all of your dreams or what you had wish for comes true and i hope that next year will bring joy to all of you.

Amin.

Kita Hanya Merancang

planning is good. that's why people plan. but sometimes it doesn't happened the way it supposed to be. yesterday i plan a few thing to do today. but i managed only 1 thing. not even half.

today is suppose to be a good day right? well at least i want it to be. but it doesn't turn out that way. i mean, today is my birthday right? so things should be at leeeeeast normal right?.. wrong!! it doesn't always go that way.

frustrated? a little bit.. really?.. nah.. actually a lot bit! a HUGE bit!!!

can i curse?.. can i? can i?.. erm, to whom? mybe to myself?.. err, why not? ok.. D**N YOU!! S****D L****R F*****G I***T!!!!

i'm all f*cked up.. time flies and i'm really f*cked up.. :'(

Berat Hati Memikul

today is my last day at home. tonight is also my last night watching astro because we don't have astro back in kl (only gov channel). i have this type of feeling every time i want to leave home. every time and every year for over 8 years. but this time the emotion may last longer. because last time i can divert this feeling of sadness. because i have a 'cousilor' back in kl to ease the strong emotion of sadness of leaving a place i call heaven on earth. a place i call home. 

but that was last time. 

berat betul rasa hati nak tinggalkan tempat asal ku. berat sangat. cuti seminggu rasa macam sekejap je. rasa macam baru semalam aku balik umah. dulu sebenarnya rasa berat sebab terpaksa meninggalkan keselesaan berada di rumah, di samping keluarga. makan minum terjaga, pengangkutan senang, tak keluar banyak kos, seronok dengan celoteh anak buah. tapi aku ada back up. so bila balik kl hati rasa berat dan  sedih. tapi ada insan yang boleh pujuk aku. aku boleh alih hati aku and i'm back to normal in no time. 

sekarang hati ni bukan berat kerana nak tinggalkan rumah semata-mata. tapi lebih risaukan pasal kerja aku. masa depan aku. terasa macam nak berhenti notis 24 jam je. risau tahap agung. tak keruan. tapi aku bukan anak orang kaya. siapa nak bayar bill aku? siapa nak bagi aku makan? siapa nak belikan minyak motosikal aku? sewa rumah? siapa nak tolong kurangkan beban kakak-kakak aku support parent aku? parent dah bersara. harapkan anak-anak tolong support. tak kan parent aku pula yang kena support aku. sampai bila aku asyik nak susahkan family aku. dah banyak kali aku susahkan dieorang. 

tapi back up dah tak ada. kaunselor pun dah tak ada. jadi aku pun tak tau nak buat macam mana sekarang. nak tak nak, sanggup tak sanggup, boleh tak boleh, aku kena juga lah harung semua rasa yang datang. ini lah yang buat aku hilang semangat. 

we must have some kind of motivation whenever we feel down. anything that can lift ourself up and keep going forward. i've lost mine and now i don't seem to find any yet. the one thing that saves me right now is a sane mind. there were several times that i thought i could lost it. i'm really thankful to God that i'm still sober.

there are a lot of people that want me to go home. this time for good. a lot of people, for varying reasons. because some people care. but some people just don't give a damn. they just want me to go home, thats all. isn't it right dear? because people with rage can do a lot of damage. it might happen or it might not. it all depends on a lot of things, reasons, factors, or whatever. more sacrifices has to be made and it doesn't look good. 

i wish i don't have to make a lot of choices. i know soetimes we have to make choices. i mean the hard one. the one that involve 'life' and 'death' of your life or anything that connects directly to you. it is just a wish. hanya sekadar luahan rasa je. 

walaupun aku terasa perit dugaan yang datang tak akan berlalu dalam masa terdekat ini, tetapi aku sentiasa berdoa ia akan cepat pergi. aku redahkan saja lah buat masa sekarang. boleh tepis bagus lah, tak boleh tepis redah lagi lah. macam balik raya ni contohnya. ramai yang tanya mana dia? sihat ke?.. masak betul aku nak jawab. terpaksa la aku redahkan. first day raya dah buat dosa dah. maafkan aku. kesian parent aku. macam mana nak bagitau semua. tak sanggup rasanya nak tengok parent aku hadapi semua. apa lah yang aku dah buat ni. sedihnya Tuhan saja yang tahu. 

i'm so sorry. 

so i think that was it for now. take care home. i'll miss you dearly. love always.

Masa Tak Terasa

it has been a week since i arrived back home and tomorrow i'll be back to kl. time flies by without we realise it. damn! it just felt like no time at all. aaarrgghh! i really want to stay a little bit longer. but i just can't. and it really make me a bit frustrated, a bit sad.

i'm just getting comfortable. i'm just settling down. i want to go back to kl. yet there is also a feeling in me that want to be back home. easy for some people to just say that i should go  back to where i belong. but for me it's not as easy as uttering the word 'baliklah'. i like kl. it's fun, exciting, happening. shopping, window shopping, lepaking, theme parks, easy access to other parts of malaysia, even singapore, food, movies, pirate dvds, pasar malam, aweks, cowoks etc etc. the list goes on. but even with all that kl got to offer me, doesn't matter how often i lepak, how far i travel, how much i laugh, there seems to be something missing in the puzzle. i don't feel 'fullfilled' you know. 

maybe because of after all that had happened, i just felt that kl has nothing to offer me anymore. don't get me wrong, kl has almost everything for a typical east malaysian guy like me. it's just that, i fell.. i have lost my purpose. even if i feel my life at home is no different than kl, infact maybe more boring interms of well, everrythng that i can imagine. but my family is here, i was born and raise here and most importantly, i'm cormfortable here. 

i have nobody in kl. i mean if anyting happens to me, i'm pratically are on my own. i do have friends but only a few left standing besides me. even they can't always be there when i'm in need.. hmm..  

i've got to think long and hard. time will tell. 

Raya?

i think there is something not right with me. i'm back home for hari raya but i didn't feel a thing. i mean the raya feeling, the excitement, the joy. i was sincere when i knelt down, kissed my parent's hands and asked for forgiveness. i was expecting at least a sad feeling. but no, nothing. this is totally unexpected. 

for the 1st time since i can remember i had no feeling what so ever. strange. AND confused. i think something already took effect. is this the new me? i hope not. i reeeallly hope not.

when we are used of doing something for years and suddenly it doesn't happen anymore, we get this strange feeling, awkward, diffrerent. in a bad way. 

i'm tired. not enough sleep i think. everything is exhausting.

Di Keheningan Pagi Aidilfitri..

1 Syawal 1429H. 

berlalu sudah bulan ramdhan. maka tiba pula aidilfitri. mungkin ramai yang gembira kerana berakhirnya menahan lapar dan dahaga dari terbit fajar sehingga terbenam matahari selama sebulan. berakhirnya penyiksaan perut yang kelaparan seharian (bagi yang tak puasa sama je macam hari lain). tapi ramai juga yang bersedih kerana tamat sudah bulan yang memberi ganjaran berlipat kali ganda dari bulan-bulan yang lain. sedih kerana terasa tak cukup ibadat yang dilaksanakan. tak sempat nak menadah tangan berdoa kepada Illahi memohon keampunan atau memohon restu atau meminta pertolongan kerana terlalu banyak yang ingin disampaikan. 

walau apa pun perasaan masing-masing secara amnya boleh dikatakan kebanyakan orang gembira dengan kehadiran hari lebaran. bulan memohon kemaafan, meminta keampunan. bulan untuk melupakan pertelingkahan atau perselisihan lalu. jika ketika lain kita terasa berat untuk memaafkan, tetapi bila tiba hari raya, ada insan yang boleh berubah rasa. boleh terasa 'yang sudah tu sudah lah'. hati boleh memujuk ' tutup yang lama, buka lembaran baru'. so kalau nak jadi ketidak-puas-hati-an lagi lepas ni, itu lain cerita. yang peting kalau boleh ditamatkan sekarang apa salah nya. kalau bukan dihari mulia ni, bila lagi? so nothing to loose and everything to gain.

aku pun tak nak ketinggalan. aku pun nak memohon maaf. aku pun nak meminta keampunan. terlalu banyak kalau nak buat list. terutama untuk orang-orang yang tersayang dan disayangi. atau yang pernah menyayangi. banyak penyesalan. terlalu banyak yang ingin diungkapkan. tersangat banyak yang ingin diluahkan. 

tahun lepas aku bertakbir di perantauan kerana giliran aku untuk bekerja di hari raya pertama dan kedua. tahun ini aku bersyukur boleh bertakbir di tempat lahir ku. tetapi tahun ini sangat berbeza untuk aku. terasa pelik. ganjil. janggal. maaf, aku tak boleh menceritakan kesemuanya. cukup la sekadar yang Maha Esa mengetahui. 

banyak yang terbayang di kepala aku sekarang. terbayang di suatu ketika dahulu. terima kasih ku ucapkan. terlalu besar untuk dilupakan. terlalu banyak untuk dipalingkan. 

di keheningan pagi aidilfitri ini, dikesempatan ini aku ingin menyusun jari jemari aku memohon keampunan dan kemaafan. kepada rakan taulan mahupun yang tersayang. ke atas segala-galanya. perbuatan dan tutur kata. zahir dan batin. jika masa boleh diputarkan kembali alangkah gembiranya aku. tapi aku sekadar manusia biasa. aku bukan superhero. halalkan makan minum ku. aku redha jika tiada yang ingin memberikan kemaafan kepadaku. tetapi jika ada, aku harap ia datang dari hati yang penuh dengan keikhlasan. kerana aku sememangnya ikhlas memaafkan jika ada yang ingin memohonnya dari ku. 

salam sayang dari ku di hari yang mulia ini. aku menadah tangan memohon doa kepada Allah yang Maha Esa. supaya menghadirkan bahagia kepada semua terutama insan-insan yang ku kenali. dan yang pernah dikenali. yang masih ada mahupun yang telah pergi. perjalanan ku masih jauh dan berliku. 

Selamat Hari Raya. Salam Aidilfitri. 

Maaf zahir & Batin.

Sabar Menunggu Hujan Reda

life. it seems it's not getting better any sooner. it is still a long and tumulus journey ahead. sometimes things gets unexpectedly not-so-good when it should be for the better. especially that involve family matters. this is not what we want, particularly in the later part of our life. matters that could break the bond the once was so closely intact. this is a new challenge life present upon me. gosh, sometimes i could only shake my head in disbelief. but believe it. and it 'ain't' just going to 'disappear' with a clap. when i received the message, it was saddening. mix feelings came right through my skull. sad, unhappy, awkward, bitter. but mostly.. afraid. 

and if this -suppose to be-our last shelter from the cruel world out there to take cover to find peace and solace and support but its down in crumbles, then where else are we going to hang on to? i pray to God that it will be over soon. thing would get better. for at least within the vicinity of our close knit-ness. we only have ourselves to rely on, for the best or worst, ups and downs. God, please help us.

Tiket Kapal

you know how much i spend today? for my flight back home for raya? i mentioned nearly RM600 right. but guess what.. i'm wrong. now, officially, it cost me more than Rm600! daaaaaaaammmmmmnnnn!!!!!

i don't have a choice. it's the cheapest i can get that coincide with my leave. huhu.. why everything must be damn expensive nowdays? even the so called budget airline is not so cheap anymore. well it's cheaper than other airlines that is much much more fucking expensive. but by my standard the price i paid was considered expensive now even actually it should be considered cheaper by the current economy standard.

what the hell am i talking about?.. i'm almost broke! that's my point.