Mengagumi Seseorang

ever heard this lyric?

"mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
mengagumi tanpa di cintai
tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
dengan hidupmu"

don't you really hate it when you start to like someone but you just can't do anything about it?

you never believe let alone meeting someone you 'like', online! never happened to you before. but life is already strange enough though.

you never meet her. just pictures on a social networking site. but yet you feel you've known her a long time already. unique and different. she's friendly, intelligent, charming, cute, fun. such a sweet lady. she eases your suffering. she makes you smile. she makes you forget about your dark past *people thought you were crazy!*.. i think the right word is, she's amazing!

but it scares you so much. you're scared of the pain you'll get for liking someone that you can't get. another pain is the last thing you ever want again. you dream bout her but you are not her type! it's really hard enough to find someone that is 'compatible' with you but she just has no feelings for you. enough said.

that's why its better to shut our mouth and just.. enjoy everything as much as you can. you know.. before she.. disappear. sucks isn't it. but the thing is, shutting up is also painful, right?

but its better than making a fool out of yourself and scares her away.

furthermore she likes somebody else already. i mean who are you? she's an angel and you are the devil.

Melabuhkan Tirai 2008

"Selamat Tinggal 2008"

pejam celik pejam celik.. aik, today is the last day of 2008? wait *sambil gosok mata tengok calender kat henpon*.. yup, i think it is.

gosh! can you believe it? i repeat-today is the last day of 2008. it's like a blink of an eye and suddenly we are nearing the end. tomrrow is going to be a new year. a new beginning. whether we realise it or not a year has pass and most of us must be wondering what have we done or achieved or contribute or gain or whatever to whatever issues or target or objectives or goals that has been set or focused on or prioritised or.. something like that, this whole year. so the verdict? bad, very bad, worst, ok, good, very good, excellent? or maybe not so sure? it's in your hand. you decide.

so how about me? how does my life fare this year?

well.. truthfuly, this is the year that i really wouldn't want to remember. the year that i really want to forget. 2008 promises a new beginning, a new chapter. and indeed it was. but in a different kind of way and a different kind of twist. infact it was so twisted i became entangled in it. badly.

this is the year of mourning. i mourned a lot. i mean a lot! well i guess the effect you'll get when in shock. i mourned, i grief, i question a few things etc etc.. i'm getting mad aka crazy! :-) i could turn into the hulk. hehe.. luckily i managed to control my heartbeat thus preventing myself turning into a green-like monster. scary..

"Ada yang Hilang-Ipang"

i lost something this year. you might say "dude normal la tuh. everybody lost something somewhere. A lost his cat, B lost her earring, C got lost in the jungle and so on". i know but this year is especially stand out from the rest because the things i'd lost are the one that i cherish the most. that i loved the most. one of it was my scooter. i'm quite baffle myself as to why THIS year i lost quite a number or things that was dearest to me? one thing lead to another. coincidence or just plain bad luck only God knows. when you thought things were bad enough, it became very bad, then worst and then worst-er. God.. it totally drained you untill you were completly felt dejected an out of bound. i was walking on a very thin line of thread. there were no sunny days. the rain stop occasionally but the skies never opened up. it realy smacked you hard in the face.. or maybe the groin area.

at the same time i learned a lot this year. in work and in life. in work because i got a new job. in life because of the mourning-grieving-and-questioning thing. there were lessons learned. one thing that i learned was that we should never take things for granted. anything. friends, family, partners or even your enemy. i regreted a lot of things that i have ever did in my life. oh how i wish i could take it all back..

"Trying To find My Way-Lifehouse"

untill now i'm still searching on what is still left of me or for me. i'm still trying to find my way out. is it left or right? north or south? i'm not sure. haven't make up my mind yet. or maybe i'm not up to it yet.

"Seperti Yang Dulu-Ungu"

apa azam tahun depan?
who? me?

same as this year kot. none. hehe.. actually i have one but it didn't materialised. maybe i'll try again this year. so what do i hope for? well, i wish that 2009 will be at least for the better if not the best. i pray for the best. like everyone else i pray next year things would turn my way. i endured a lot this year so i really need it. i crave for it! i hope there is a silver lining somewhere for me.

last but not least, i would like to take this opportunity to wish all the people in this world a very Happy New Year 2009. may all of your dreams or what you had wish for comes true and i hope that next year will bring joy to all of you.

Amin.

Pasukan Sorak Bowling Hampeh

yesterday my company held a bowling tournament between all central region areas. and guess what i went there of course but not as a bowler, but as 1 of the cheer leading team. i was 'forced' or shall we say paksa rela. we were supposed to do some cheer to our area, like every other team. so we made 1 like every other team. and it turns out horribly wrong. i think we were the worst cheer team that day. but hey, everything was about having fun. so with a thick skin i did it and i'm having fun. they also gave hampers to the top 3 best cheerleading teams. so it double as a competition also la.

the performance was done after all the games had ended. so we got to see all the other team make a fool of themselves and all the staff from varoius areas and branches, plus some on-lookers and customers, got to laugh at our faces. well, it was hilarious!

well, the sad thing was we didn't win (in your dream). but we didn't went home empty handed. the consolation was 1 of our area 5 (AM5) team did managed to grab the 2nd runners-up trophy (a small one), plus one of the bowler from am5 bowled the 3rd highest individual score so he also received his prize. i didn't remember which team from which area won the competition but the overall winner was from area1 (AM1). congrats to them.

hahaha!: kak lini was laugh us off.. damn it!

central one: batik, gong, kompang. i thought they were doing dzikir barat.

the winner: can you believe this team was the winner? the just dance! better go to dance competition.

AM7: i think area 7 must be the breading ground of devil, ghost and satan.

AM5 is winning winning: you got to be kidding me?

fool's gold: we got to join some high ranking managers & officers doing some not so high act. hehe..

kipas-susah-mati: a toddler came to support us.. not! her mom forced her to join. if not, no cartoon network.

camouflage?: chloe and man was thinking they could hide themselves. but to no vail. tough luck..

blue is the colour: AM5 war zone.

Masa Tak Terasa

it has been a week since i arrived back home and tomorrow i'll be back to kl. time flies by without we realise it. damn! it just felt like no time at all. aaarrgghh! i really want to stay a little bit longer. but i just can't. and it really make me a bit frustrated, a bit sad.

i'm just getting comfortable. i'm just settling down. i want to go back to kl. yet there is also a feeling in me that want to be back home. easy for some people to just say that i should go  back to where i belong. but for me it's not as easy as uttering the word 'baliklah'. i like kl. it's fun, exciting, happening. shopping, window shopping, lepaking, theme parks, easy access to other parts of malaysia, even singapore, food, movies, pirate dvds, pasar malam, aweks, cowoks etc etc. the list goes on. but even with all that kl got to offer me, doesn't matter how often i lepak, how far i travel, how much i laugh, there seems to be something missing in the puzzle. i don't feel 'fullfilled' you know. 

maybe because of after all that had happened, i just felt that kl has nothing to offer me anymore. don't get me wrong, kl has almost everything for a typical east malaysian guy like me. it's just that, i fell.. i have lost my purpose. even if i feel my life at home is no different than kl, infact maybe more boring interms of well, everrythng that i can imagine. but my family is here, i was born and raise here and most importantly, i'm cormfortable here. 

i have nobody in kl. i mean if anyting happens to me, i'm pratically are on my own. i do have friends but only a few left standing besides me. even they can't always be there when i'm in need.. hmm..  

i've got to think long and hard. time will tell. 

Di Keheningan Pagi Aidilfitri..

1 Syawal 1429H. 

berlalu sudah bulan ramdhan. maka tiba pula aidilfitri. mungkin ramai yang gembira kerana berakhirnya menahan lapar dan dahaga dari terbit fajar sehingga terbenam matahari selama sebulan. berakhirnya penyiksaan perut yang kelaparan seharian (bagi yang tak puasa sama je macam hari lain). tapi ramai juga yang bersedih kerana tamat sudah bulan yang memberi ganjaran berlipat kali ganda dari bulan-bulan yang lain. sedih kerana terasa tak cukup ibadat yang dilaksanakan. tak sempat nak menadah tangan berdoa kepada Illahi memohon keampunan atau memohon restu atau meminta pertolongan kerana terlalu banyak yang ingin disampaikan. 

walau apa pun perasaan masing-masing secara amnya boleh dikatakan kebanyakan orang gembira dengan kehadiran hari lebaran. bulan memohon kemaafan, meminta keampunan. bulan untuk melupakan pertelingkahan atau perselisihan lalu. jika ketika lain kita terasa berat untuk memaafkan, tetapi bila tiba hari raya, ada insan yang boleh berubah rasa. boleh terasa 'yang sudah tu sudah lah'. hati boleh memujuk ' tutup yang lama, buka lembaran baru'. so kalau nak jadi ketidak-puas-hati-an lagi lepas ni, itu lain cerita. yang peting kalau boleh ditamatkan sekarang apa salah nya. kalau bukan dihari mulia ni, bila lagi? so nothing to loose and everything to gain.

aku pun tak nak ketinggalan. aku pun nak memohon maaf. aku pun nak meminta keampunan. terlalu banyak kalau nak buat list. terutama untuk orang-orang yang tersayang dan disayangi. atau yang pernah menyayangi. banyak penyesalan. terlalu banyak yang ingin diungkapkan. tersangat banyak yang ingin diluahkan. 

tahun lepas aku bertakbir di perantauan kerana giliran aku untuk bekerja di hari raya pertama dan kedua. tahun ini aku bersyukur boleh bertakbir di tempat lahir ku. tetapi tahun ini sangat berbeza untuk aku. terasa pelik. ganjil. janggal. maaf, aku tak boleh menceritakan kesemuanya. cukup la sekadar yang Maha Esa mengetahui. 

banyak yang terbayang di kepala aku sekarang. terbayang di suatu ketika dahulu. terima kasih ku ucapkan. terlalu besar untuk dilupakan. terlalu banyak untuk dipalingkan. 

di keheningan pagi aidilfitri ini, dikesempatan ini aku ingin menyusun jari jemari aku memohon keampunan dan kemaafan. kepada rakan taulan mahupun yang tersayang. ke atas segala-galanya. perbuatan dan tutur kata. zahir dan batin. jika masa boleh diputarkan kembali alangkah gembiranya aku. tapi aku sekadar manusia biasa. aku bukan superhero. halalkan makan minum ku. aku redha jika tiada yang ingin memberikan kemaafan kepadaku. tetapi jika ada, aku harap ia datang dari hati yang penuh dengan keikhlasan. kerana aku sememangnya ikhlas memaafkan jika ada yang ingin memohonnya dari ku. 

salam sayang dari ku di hari yang mulia ini. aku menadah tangan memohon doa kepada Allah yang Maha Esa. supaya menghadirkan bahagia kepada semua terutama insan-insan yang ku kenali. dan yang pernah dikenali. yang masih ada mahupun yang telah pergi. perjalanan ku masih jauh dan berliku. 

Selamat Hari Raya. Salam Aidilfitri. 

Maaf zahir & Batin.

Kenyang Di Marche

-some of the evidence on display-

delicious. one word that sums it all. damn tasty! i went to berbuka puasa at marche. courtesy  of an angel. thank you darling. this time around i get to EAT there. not merely a guest of the guests. i get to taste all the delicious delicacies offered that night. it was simply marvelous. my taste buds cant even have the time to breath, if it has a nose. 

unfortunately i'm not worth the money if someone wants to treat me a buffet. because i'm not what i was 1 or 2 years back. but if someone insist, then rezeki jangan di tolak. of all the dishes, my favourite was the oyster. God it tasted so good i don't even know how to describe it. but i just manage to take the last 2. damn! 

i don't even remember when was the last time i really enjoy eating. this is not the place where we can go often you know. worth every cents. maybe someday i could bring my family here. someday.

Sahabat & Keluarga

yesterday i made a discovery. today some of them replied to me. yes. my long lost friends. my dear friends during my good old school yesteryear. i do miss them. it's been a long long time. too damn long actually. not to my surprise, most of the are married and most of them, too, already have a kid (maybe kids) but definitely there's a newborn somewhere in between.

i'm happy for all of them. married, wife, children, family, careers. life. that's what i call life. that is what human are supposed to have. a life of their own. i'm just waiting mine. will it ever come? i can't be sure. i'll just to wait. hopefully not my whole life.

i sms 1 long lost friend just now and she said some of them are having a buka puasa at the curve tomorrow. but the catch is, it is a buffet and it will cost me RM55. damn expensive! well, i told her that maybe i'll meet them AFTER buka puasa. hehe.. sorry guys. that price is out of the question because its raya time and i need a lot of money for balik raya and it would cost me nearly RM600 for my flight ticket alone! excluding transportation cost, meal, lepak and jalan-jalan. i'm sooo broke dude..

just wish i have a lot of money right now. 

lots and lots of money. 

tonnes of it.

aaaaaaarrrggggghhhh!!!

Selamat Hari Merdeka

today is 31 august 2008.

i would like to all Malaysian a happy independence day today. lets us pray for the harmony, peace and stability will last forever. Amin.

i just stayed home at the stroke of midnight with my friend. watching a dvd movie. not to say that we were unpatriotic. but we're just 2 lazy bum that just couldn't imagine ourselves going through the hassle of kl's traffic congestion. and also the possibility of raining tonight (guess i'm wrong because now its already 2am and its not raining outside). but we did went out just now for a while. to have our dinner and bought a couple of dvds at my usual shop. then back home. and that's it.

well, happy merdeka day again. and today is the last day before fasting month begin. yup.. its the time of the year again. the holy month will start tomorrow. wether we're prepared or not its coming to us. ;-)

Selamat Pengantin Baru

i want to wish Selamat Pengantin Baru to my friend Norhaslinda Ismail and her hubby Abdullah Ab. Shukor on their wedding day last saturday, august 16, 2008 . sorry i couldnt stay longer because i had to send my friend back home. i couldnt be happier for you on your special day. i wish both of you the best in everything. may both of you live happily ever after.

all set: the ceremony was about to start.

walking down the isle: the bride and groom were paraded to the pelamin.

destiny: on the stage waiting for the tepung tawar ceremony.

Amin.

Lambaian Terakhir

sunday, 25th may 2008. was my last day working at JMP.

i dont know where to start. a lot of things to say. a lot of memories to share. good bad. it may seems not that long-3 years-but for me these 3 years was actually the years that really make the difference in my life.

between these years, a lot of things has happened. important things. events that totally change the course of my life.

TOTALLY.

the best thing happened to me during these years.
the worst thing also happened to me during these years.
the happiest and the saddest.
happy. sad. uncertainty. all mixed up in my head right now. scared. scared what lies ahead. scared what will happen?

Doa Dari Kejauhan

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

if you want someone to be happy, sometimes you need to take all the shit that comes with it.but if taking all the shit are necessary to make them happy, then so be it.

even if you are not part of the happiness, then so be it.

if you could only watched from afar, then so be it.

if it means that you have to endure all the guilt , pain, tears, loneliness through the uncertainty of what lies ahead in our life, then so be it.

and if the only thing you can do is pray. pray for their safety, or health, or success, or happiness..

then so be it.

even if it really kills you watching them smile, laugh, having fun and you are not anywhere to be seen in the picture then you have to swallow it.

sepahit mana pun yang melalui anak tekak, pejamkan mata, butakan rasa. jika itu sahaja harga yang perlu dibayar untuk melihat sebuah kebahagian untuk orang yang tersayang.

so be it.

Tahniah

congratulations. is the only thing that i could convey to you. i always pray for your success. deep down i know you can do it. you have the determination. you have the will to succeed. and most important of all you have the support of everyone around you. family, loved ones.

this is actually the beginning of a journey. we never know what lies ahead. but with the kind of person you are. intelligent, smart, hardworking, resourceful. it will be just like a bump on the road to success. stay strong dear. just stay strong.

i believe in you.

i never stop to say a little prayer for you.