Tolonglah..

what's happening to me?. i'm at the lowest point of my life right now. the very end. please help me. anybody. please help me. i don't know what to do :'( this pain. i can't make it go away. it hurts. so very deep. what's happening to my life? i want to be happy. i want to smile. i want to have fun. without this feeling following me around. unless something or someone saves me soon. i don't want to feel like this. i lost everything. i became a loser. now i'm a loser. it seems that everything i touch turns to dust. im slowly giving up. i don't want to give up. but i don't know what to do. i seriously need help.

anyone.
anybody. help me.
:'(

Sayang? Merana?

so tell me..

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. So.. which one is it?!.. to love or to suffer?.."

so which one is it?!..

Semua Yang Terlambat

aku,
hanya sinar yang melintas sekedip,
bagai kunang-kunang kecil,
dan engkau,
sayap-sayap yang meranggas seusai.
sekepak kau mengudara,
membawa hatiku semua.

kita,
adalah kata yang terlambat tercipta,
yang semestinya yang tak terjadi,
dan cinta,
ialah rasa yang pertama dan terakhir,
‘tuk meragum kerinduan, kepasrahan dan maafku…

‘tuk semua yang terlambat kulakukan
‘tuk semua yang tak sanggup ku janjikan.
‘tuk semua

lama ku coba, memandang jejak kaki kita tanpa sesal,
menerimamu tanpa aku mengerti,
indahnya arti hari ini tanpa harapan
‘tuk kembali

kesemua yang tak sempat kuungkapkan
kesemua yang tak tepat ku katakan
tak usai kujalani.
tak ingin kuingkari
dan semua...

.:Marcell- Semua yang terlambat:.



is this the beginning of the end?..
:'(

Rindu

sometimes. i really miss my nephew. maybe because he is such a handsome guy. 1 year 5 month old baby guy! i am not really a baby or kid or toddler or whatever.

but since he came to our family, i felt something different. at me not him. when he smile, especially when he smile, i felt good, i felt calm and happy.

people can say whatever they want, i never give a damn anyway. i tried to upload his clip but this stupid pc wont detect my thumbdrive. maybe next time.

Penat

Last week was hell! Well.. almost. It was one of those days where you work like you were going to lose a limb. People go beserk when they heard the word "sale" or "members day". They shop like there's no tomorrow! The preparation, the actually day. Woke up as early as 7am. went back at around 1pm. Gosh! I don't know why i'm still working there.

Like my father always said, there is no job that is an easy job. Even those pushers and pimps have their own risk, highs and lows. But then again, maybe the time has come. I don't know. Wish there is a silver lining. Somewhere. Somehow. Someday.

Rezeki

Kuala Lumpur. A place to call home? Not really. A place to work? Not really. A place to relax? I don't think so. A place to have fun? Most probably (compared to my hometown la ;-) A place to curse, bang your head on the streering wheel, shout, use 'sign' language, fell like strangling some people because of the cutting of queues, speeding like a madman, cilok-ing like people on drugs.. ect...ect..? Most definitely.

But why here? when you have the comfort of watching satelite TV, on the comfy rottan sofa, driving on 4 wheel vehicle, deliciously homemade cooking, no rent, wifi-ing with a cup of coffe or whatever anywhere in your house!(literally, inside the toilet if you want to, no kidding. and the best part is, it's FREE!), family members that are always around, etc.. I just couldn't give a definite explanation to that. I'm just not ready yet to go back home. It's like, I feel that I have an unfinish business here. Things that I need to do, things that I need to accomplish, things that I need to fill inside this empty space. Things that i need to prove. I don't know when. I don't know how. I'll be back someday. But not now. Not yet.