Melayang Layang

it is only 8.55 in the morning and my head is already not in the right state of mind. i can't think straight. my mind wonders.

a colleague just reminded me we have an exam to attend next week.. damn.. i'm still not prepared. (and that was not even the reason). even the easiest of task of data-entry also seems difficult. as i said my mind wonders through space.

just thankful i'm not doing any work that requires me to use my brain extensively. because i really can't concentrate right now.

not good. the last time i was like this it took me a looooong time to recover an a few kilos too.

i thought i can handle it. countless of songs herd, photos stare at, massages read. the effect was minimal. it thought i'm getting ok.

well, suprise surprise!.. i'm wrong again.. and again.. and again.. and again..

i'm just staring at my office's laptop LCD screen. staring blank. while listening to some songs.

i'm getting mad am i?.. 

Teringat Yang Lama

these past few days (maybe weeks..) i kept remembering things. about someone.

i don't know. maybe because her birthday is coming up soon kot. and today i have this strong urge to google her name online. i did. i found her.

kena lah pulak at the same time i was listening to some songs through my winamp player and those romantic sad songs being played. pergh.. makan dalam babe. and things get a little bit emo la kan.

it has been like nearly 2 years since. and today i 'saw' her. albeit just a in a social networking site but it was enough to make me all... weak. inside outside.

the song 'mengenangmu' from kerispatih really gets into me. i love this song. the lyric somewhat reflect what i felt. and when i 'saw' her while this song was playing.. i was rendered.. speechless.

i assume that was the latest picture of her. and if it was then she haven't change at all. a very beautiful lady. the same lady that captivated me over 5 years ago..

and never faded ever since..

This Is It. Ground '0'.. Life's Journey Has Just Begun.

so this is it. it actually is going to happen.

honestly right now i don't feel a thing. the excitement was, well, gone... hmm, not totally gone. still got a few excitement here and there but now i got a new 'feel'.. nervousness!!.. still cool though.. hehe..

i'd say the right word probably is.. 'worried'. yup. i can keep my head off of things that awaits me on my first day. damn. is my boss ok? colleagues ? what kind of work i do? can i cope? is it for the better? worse?? am i going to enjoy my new life?.. what will happened next? where do i go after this?.. what where who how which?..

aaaaaaaaaarrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!!!...

i am quite anxious right now. not knowing what will happen really frightens me. oh God!

i pray for today is going to be a good day if not for the best. for today will mark the day that my life is start afresh. ground zero.

make or break, there is no turning back. this is it. this is where it all began.

may Allah always be with me. Amin.

2009?.. Selamat Tinggal..

today is the last day of year 2009.

what was my achievement this year? what was the best moment i can share to everybody this year? what have i done actually?.. anything?.. nothing??.. yup. nothing i can say actually about year 2009. put in in a simple word, nothing worthy to say.

my life, for the past 2 years was like the world economy. why do i say that?.. because for the past 2 years things had gone from bad to worse (the americans started it. blame them). a lot of countries was and some still is, in recession. a lot of people become jobless. people said (well, actually, the government said) in 2009 the economy will get better, will improve and everything will be fine.. what a load of bullshit! and crap are all over the place!..  the truth the economy is not getting better. a LOT of people are still jobless. a lot of false hope. a lot of sadness. well, my life was sort of like that. not exactly but more or less similar in concept. 

but suddenly. out of nowhere. i saw lights at the end of the tunnel. not much but enough for me believe that hope is not lost, at a time where hope seems to i was stunned and confused myself. but i'm more thankful than ever. i felt bless. i feel a bit shame. because i a bad man. but Allah still helps me even i'm a baaaaad person.

honestly, i can't wait for this year to end and for 2010 to start! a little bit nervous because i don't know what will happen BUT i can't wait to start afresh! starting next year i am like a new born baby.. err.. maybe more like a fresh grad la. more suitable.. =) shit, i'm so nervous and a little afraid la pulak. damn..

i pray to Allah that starting next year, hopefully, everything will be for the better. i mean no more economy downturn. i know there will be ups and downs also but i hope that history would not repeat itself again.

this is it. a new beginning. a new challenge. a new life. a new hope.

i also want to wish everybody a Happy New Year! may Allah bless all of you with happiness.

Aku Kehilangan Lagi Seorang Sahabat.

why?

the same question i thought i had left behind suddenly came knocking again. i'm happy but sad at the same time. in 2 days time a good friend will tie the knot and i'm so happy for him. but deep down i will miss him very much.

things will be different of course. we have been friends for 9 years, housemates for 5 year. been together for ups n downs.

i'm just sad. and i felt so lonely. lots of people left me.

Aku Dah Tak Ada Rumah.. Waaaa!!...

yup.. today i'm officially homeless. no.. really.. i AM homeless. means i do not live in a-rented-home-that-i-paid-monthly-anymore home..

after 6 years or so, i finally moved out today. really i didnt feel to much sadness but deep down i do feel somewhat a bit sad. the longest rented house i've lived in since i came to this big city. overall i had lived in 6 houses. this being my longest.

why i dont just rent another house or a room?.. well, something happened and the current situation forbids me to even rent a room. why?.. cant tell right now. we'll see what happens within the next few weeks and maaaybe i'll tell. it all depends..

right this moment i really want to share about the memories i went through. all the good, the bad, the happy or the sad, while i was staying there. everything are passing through my head right now. but, again, maybe not today.

but one thing i want to share today is that i've just noticed that i've become less emotionally attached to.. emm.. things around me.. not sure if its a good or a bad thing.. for instance, my current (or should i say, my ex-current) house. 6 years was not a short span of time. that house was filled with memories that i just could let it go away. a lot of significant events, some even became the turning point of my life, happened while i lived there.. if its the old me, i may have shed a tears already. but the new me prevent it from happening.

i dont know. i sensed that my heart is not as soft as it used to be. the 'love' factor is much less than before. maybe i've become a more harden person that i used to..

really hope that love is not gone. because a heart with no love is like a cake with no sugar in it. sure nobody wants to want it. let alone eat it..

Salam Di Pagi Aidilfitri - 1430H/2009

selamat tinggal Ramadhan. selamat datang Aidilfitri.

tiba masanya untuk bulan ramadhan meninggalkan kita. manakala bulan syawal pula kembali menjelma. sebagai ganjaran Allah meraikan perjuangan, pengorbanan, ketakwaan orang-orang yang beriman dan kepada sesiapa yang sentiasa menurut perintah Nya. entah mengapa aku terasa sedikit sedih. sedih meninggalkan ramadhan yg begitu mulia. mungkin aku risau kan ibadah aku. aku sangat berharap ibadah aku disepanjang bulan ramadhan akan diterima Allah s.w.t. kalau tak banyak sikit pun aku bersyukur.

i love hari raya. but at the same time i hate it too. macam mane pulak tu?.. hmm.. i love the feeling of pagi raya or the 1st day of raya. happiness is everywhere. you can feel it. perasaan tu kita tak boleh gambarkan tapi kita terasa gembira yang lain dari gembira hari biasa. it is just... so different.. i'm sure you know what i mean.

hate? it is because or the memories it brings with it. past through my head like streaming water. so much to remember. so much to bear. can't handle it sometimes. the sweetness. yes. the sweetness is making me sad.

kenangan. kegembiraan lalu membuatkan aku lemah untuk menghadapi aidilfitri. aku kalau boleh tidak mahu mengingatinya. tapi apa kan daya. aku tidak mampu menahan kenangan manis - bukan pahit - yang datang tanpa henti. menusuk terus ke hati. aku juga pasrah dan terpaksa juga mengharungi nya.

pilu. rasa yang menyelubungi aku di pagi raya. ketika takbir berkumandang. entah kenapa irama takbir hari raya sangat memilukan. saban tahun. tahun ini juga tidak ketinggalan. cuma ia semakin menusuk hati ini. membuatkan aku terasa begitu lemah.
 
kegembiraan. itu yang aku doakan kepada semua orang. menyambut hari raya dengan tawa riang, tiada tangisan. hanya tangisan kegembiraan, tangisan keinsafan dan tangisan memaafkan. itu yang sepatutnya dirasakan setiap insan bukan? mungkin aku salah. dan aku tahu ada juga manusia yang tidak gembira bila di hari raya. tapi aku tetap mendoakan semoga mereka akan merasa juga nikmat gembira di hari raya suatu hari nanti.

kemaafan. itu yang aku harapkan. daripada semua insan yang pernah aku kenali. jika di izinkan, ingin aku cium tangan mereka semua. kecil, besar, tua malah muda sekalipun. aku tidak mengharapkan balasan apa-apa. aku cuma inginkan mereka semua memaafi aku dengan hati yang ikhlas juga. itu sahaja.

di pagi yang mulia ini, aku juga ingin mengambil kesempatan, untuk menghulur tangan dan jari ku memberi salam. meminta keampunan dan kemaafan dari sekalian insan yang mengenali diri ini. tidak kira yang sudah lama atau baru sahaja mengenali aku. sekali lagi aku katakan, ia datang dari dalam lubuk hati yang ikhlas. halalkan makan minum aku. halalkan hutang-hutang aku jika ada yang sudi. tuntutlah dari aku jika aku terlupa.

sememangnya aku juga sedang belajar. belajar untuk memaafi. tiada yang sempurna di dunia ini.

akhir kata, sambutlah salam sayang dari ku di pagi aidilfitri ini.

SELAMAT HARI RAYA. MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN.

Sepatutnya Tak Boleh.. Tapi Ada Je?..

yesterday while i was traveling, my mind wonders a bit.

then it hit me.

Rasulullah s.a.w once said:

“Seorang wanita itu dinikahi kerana empat; kerana hartanya, kerana keturunannya, kerana kecantikkannya dan kerana agamanya. Maka hendaklah kamu mengutamakan yang beragama, nescaya kamu berbahagia.” http://hadith.al-islam.com, Sahih Muslim, #2661

then you must've heard the term,

"perempuan baik untuk lelaki baik" and vice versa.

so it's clear then. if you are a bad person you'll get a bad person too la kan.

but.. what if that person is not what he was before? what if he's a change person and he work very hard to be a good person?.. then what?

what happened if this change person is attracted to a good person? and he now realized that the person he attracted to can guide him to be a more better person. especially in the religious side. he believe this person can help him to be a better muslim. so, my question is, can he 'get' that good person?

what i'm trying to say is he's attracted to her, one of the reason is, kerana agamanya.

Nabi suruh cari pasangan kerana agamanya. he found her but the problem is he's not a 'good' person before. so how can a with a bad track record cari pasangan kerana agama because konfem lah tak dapat? yes?

why? because it refers back too the second statement. in another words, it means "perempuan baik BUKAN untuk lelaki tak baik". so a bad person can NOT pick a religiously-savvy couple because even if he wants too.. he just can't have, won't get them.. yes?

but why?..

so what can he do then?..

well, he just pray everyday in the hope that God forgive his sins.. past, present, future..

Rasa Tak Best

why ah? you get this uneasy feeling and it followed you the whole day. this uneasiness is really bugging me the whole day. and it really sucks!

me: the answer is 'socialize'.
people: what the heck?.. what are you talking about?
me: i mean the answer to my uneasiness is 'socialize'.
people: ??..

ok. let me explain. i am a very social person. woo.. hold on there.. not 'that' kind of social. what i meant was i need friends to talk with, hang out, lepak. you know.. socialize. it's like my mojo la. i can't be alone by myself for a certain period of time. i need a dose of laughter, sarcasm, humor, politic, sports, issues or anything la senang. i need my friends. i need a whole bunch of them!

that's the problem. i ain't got a lot.

it has been a few days and its killing me. tried to arrange one today but they couldn't come. dang!
well, i do have my housemate though but i see him almost every day and i'm out of idea on how to make fun of him or pissed him. =P

i am a lively person. with the right bunch of people i am very huru hara. senang cerita, i like to have fun. because it makes me forget. forget what?.. forget a lot of things la.. hish!.. i need to have a good time.

i need it bad!.. aaaargghh!

hmm.. i'm also wondering about someone. how are you today?

Siapa Yang Sempurna?

to human is to err?

yet when to err is human. repercussion is severe.

truth been told

when truth hurts it shatters belief and trust. making things less comprehensible yet undeniably true.

what matters most is how to endure and not rationalizing it all. as it goes beyond logic when it comes to the matter of the heart.. trust, belief, habit, anger, desperation, anticipation, love.

the senses that makes us feel.. HUMAN.

i am imperfect. i know.

but i never stop trying to be a better person. i know i could never pleased everybody. but i'm not taking everything for granted either. i've made sacrifices before and i will gladly do it again if necessary.

sometimes.. a sincere heart knows no boundaries, distance nor time. you can only hope your sacrifice will stay in their heart and will always be remembered.

Mengagumi Seseorang

ever heard this lyric?

"mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
mengagumi tanpa di cintai
tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
dengan hidupmu"

don't you really hate it when you start to like someone but you just can't do anything about it?

you never believe let alone meeting someone you 'like', online! never happened to you before. but life is already strange enough though.

you never meet her. just pictures on a social networking site. but yet you feel you've known her a long time already. unique and different. she's friendly, intelligent, charming, cute, fun. such a sweet lady. she eases your suffering. she makes you smile. she makes you forget about your dark past *people thought you were crazy!*.. i think the right word is, she's amazing!

but it scares you so much. you're scared of the pain you'll get for liking someone that you can't get. another pain is the last thing you ever want again. you dream bout her but you are not her type! it's really hard enough to find someone that is 'compatible' with you but she just has no feelings for you. enough said.

that's why its better to shut our mouth and just.. enjoy everything as much as you can. you know.. before she.. disappear. sucks isn't it. but the thing is, shutting up is also painful, right?

but its better than making a fool out of yourself and scares her away.

furthermore she likes somebody else already. i mean who are you? she's an angel and you are the devil.

Yang Terakhir

i told a friend. if this is not working. then this would be my last.

no more trying. for a long time.

terima hakikat.

Aku = Loser

bloody loser.

why do i always did the wrong things?.. scared people away.

demmit..

sometimes i don't know what to do with myself anymore. my only intention was just to cheer. but even that was a bad move :(

so sorry.

tried to do the right thing. tried not to sound like a jerk. but i blew it all away. stupid!.. i sucks at these kind of thing.

this is what you get when you are 'polluted'. what ever good your intentions are, you are bound to do mistakes. that mistakes will cost you dearly.

even when you are not the person you once was. even when you are trying hard to improve yourself to be a good person. i want to be good. i really do.

until i found that.. wait.. i am not allowed to search for it. because when ever i found them, i made mistakes again. so the right sentence is, until they are GIVEN to me.

i'm beginning to loose faith. i'm close to stop believing.

Kenapa?

why?

i'm tired la. life is... aaarghhh!

Kebetulan Yang Memeritkan

WHY is it when some very significant event happened to me, it seems that nobody is around?

it always happened during which i needed companionship at the most. EVERYTIME!

a friend gone balik jb. the other one are on his way to a friend's wedding in sg. petani. these are the only two people that are 'accessible' to hang out with or just lepaking. but both are not available on the same day when i needed them the most!..

perfect coincidence right?.. yeah.. what a perfect coincidence.

enough said.

Satu lagi Episod Dalam Hidup Ku

the sadness is almost unbearable. i need to talk to some. i'm going crazy. it's already midnight. i need to talk to somebody. who am i going to call in the middle of the night?.. fuck!..

eventually i text my sister. not knowing who's picture i send her she called me back. then hell broke loose again. not my sister, but me..

kesian kakak. she tried her best to console me. she is the best sister ever.

i'm totally out and numb.

at this moment of time. sekarang ni, minit ni, saat ni.. aku really wish i have no feeling what so ever. aku wish aku ni seorang yang langsung takde perasaan. yang tak berperasaan. hati kering. hati keras. call it anything you want. kejam. jadi macam batu kayu besi dinding.

sebab kalau tak jadi macam sekarang ni. sedih, bercelaru, murung, lemah.. segala-galanya ada. aku dah tak boleh gambarkan.

sebenarnya this past week my mood was quite good. sampai aku sendiri terdesar eh, seems like aku happy je. aku tak fikir banyak. tengok final bola. dua-dua game menang. sampai aku kata mungkin Allah nak bagi aku happy. sampai macam tu sekali aku terasa my mood was pretty good. tapi di hati kecil aku bersyukur. dengan menaruh harapan dapat bertahan lama.

rupanya.. aku silap.. lagi..

aku risau kalau tetiba aku terasa happy. i'm really worried when things goes my way! because it seems.. not right. strange but true. and guess what. IT'S TRUE.

dah pukul 3:22 AM. aku nak keluar kejap kot.. hari dah malam. dah nak pagi subuh pun.

ish.. sedih nya aku. macam nana nak bagi hilang ah?.. macam mana?..

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW???!!!

I HATE THIS FUCKING FEELING! FUCKING HATE IT!

Mimpi Mainan Tidur

i had a dream yesterday. and still remember it quite well.

ironically just a few days back i read a q&a article about a dream this fellow had. the answer he get was:

"Mimpi adalah permainan tidur. Kebanyakan daripada mimpi ini berlaku hasil daripada khayalan, imaginasi manusia tentang sesuatu hal dan gambaran yang terdapat padanya sesuatu yang amat diingini atau ditakutinya... Jarang sangat yang berlaku dalam mimpi itu mewakili yang sah ataupun yang sebenar.
...Mimpi-mimpi yang benar ini adalah suatu yang amat jarang berlaku. Kadang-kadangnya dilihat sebagai benar, tetapi jika diteliti sebenarnya ia tidak."

the statement was by dato' dr. haron din.

maybe because of the unexpected message i received last week and all those memories rushing through my head like a waterfall.

thus, maybe the unexpected dream of her was some sort of a continuity of event triggered by something unexpected that maybe would last for some unspecified time. even when we thought a few days has gone by and we should be ok. oh how wrong i am.

i really hate dreams that connects you with your past. in my situation it makes me sadder. because it gives you false feelings.

dreams felt like somewhat real aren't they? i would rather not dream during my sleep. i want an 'empty' sleep. i sleep and then i wake up. nothing in between.

because even a so called happy dreams can make you suffer. suffering equals pain. pain equals sadness.

like dato' haron din said, dreams are rarely the truth. sometimes it felt like the real thing, but when we look closely, it actualy were not.

"4 Missed Call"

i have been staring at the screen for like eternity, thinking of what are the right words to start this post. and still don't have a clue.

i feel like writing something. i want to write something. i just don't know how to start.

today i felt quite sad actually. partly because i didn't answer a phone call. the irony was that i've been waiting haplessly for it and when it did finally rang, i was unaware of the blaring loud ringtone because i was in a deep fucking 'death' sleep (directly translated from tido mati). fuck! - that is what happen when you just starting to sleep during a time when other people are busy going to work.

the moment i woke up (and saw the missed call) my mood was nowhere to be found. so i started the day with the feeling of.. sadness.

only at somewhere around 5.30pm did i realize that i need to go out from my house. because i'm getting depressed.

i did some lepaking at kepong. managed to socialized with a few friends. clearing my mind of a few things.. for a while. when they started to go home around 8pm, well i should do the same.

on the way, thinking i don't want to pray in a rush i decided to stop by the mosque. i always admire the new kepong mosque. it is so modern and beautiful.

and one thing about praying in a mosque is that the state of calmness you are in. it's so different with praying alone at the comfort of our room everyday.

after prayer i decided to stay for the Yasin recitation. considering tonight was malam jumaat. week in week out i had been reciting it alone in my room, so i guess maybe i need a little change once in a while.

and boy we could really feel the difference doesn't it? the atmosphere, circumstances, mood, situation makes us more calm, serene, down to earth. i think the right word is more "kusyuk".

the imam said doing jemaah or reciting in groups is always better than doing alone. also the chances of our doa being heard are higher than doing it alone. maybe its kind of a teamwork thing. well, you know the concept. don't need to explain in details.

it is really hard when we really miss something or someone. it really gets into you that sometime hopeless is like a best friend, depress is your food and you drink tears. damn!

i asked a lot from God just now (and everyday infact). family, myself, someone. maybe mine were the least listen to but who know. maybe.. just maybe.

i went back home after isyak. still feeling down but better than earlier. so to speak.

i logged on at around after 9pm just now and now its already 1.42am. took more than 4 hours just thinking of what to write. countless minutes of walking around and to many poison smoke inhaled already (i lost count).

hmm.. i think i should sign off for tonight. my eyes are getting tired and sore watching at the screen.

-02:04am-

yours truthfully,

Ulang Tahun Namleys

happy anniversary.

Seksa

excruciating.

tortured.

bleak.

end?