today is my last day at home. tonight is also my last night watching astro because we don't have astro back in kl (only gov channel). i have this type of feeling every time i want to leave home. every time and every year for over 8 years. but this time the emotion may last longer. because last time i can divert this feeling of sadness. because i have a 'cousilor' back in kl to ease the strong emotion of sadness of leaving a place i call heaven on earth. a place i call home.
but that was last time.
berat betul rasa hati nak tinggalkan tempat asal ku. berat sangat. cuti seminggu rasa macam sekejap je. rasa macam baru semalam aku balik umah. dulu sebenarnya rasa berat sebab terpaksa meninggalkan keselesaan berada di rumah, di samping keluarga. makan minum terjaga, pengangkutan senang, tak keluar banyak kos, seronok dengan celoteh anak buah. tapi aku ada back up. so bila balik kl hati rasa berat dan sedih. tapi ada insan yang boleh pujuk aku. aku boleh alih hati aku and i'm back to normal in no time.
sekarang hati ni bukan berat kerana nak tinggalkan rumah semata-mata. tapi lebih risaukan pasal kerja aku. masa depan aku. terasa macam nak berhenti notis 24 jam je. risau tahap agung. tak keruan. tapi aku bukan anak orang kaya. siapa nak bayar bill aku? siapa nak bagi aku makan? siapa nak belikan minyak motosikal aku? sewa rumah? siapa nak tolong kurangkan beban kakak-kakak aku support parent aku? parent dah bersara. harapkan anak-anak tolong support. tak kan parent aku pula yang kena support aku. sampai bila aku asyik nak susahkan family aku. dah banyak kali aku susahkan dieorang.
tapi back up dah tak ada. kaunselor pun dah tak ada. jadi aku pun tak tau nak buat macam mana sekarang. nak tak nak, sanggup tak sanggup, boleh tak boleh, aku kena juga lah harung semua rasa yang datang. ini lah yang buat aku hilang semangat.
we must have some kind of motivation whenever we feel down. anything that can lift ourself up and keep going forward. i've lost mine and now i don't seem to find any yet. the one thing that saves me right now is a sane mind. there were several times that i thought i could lost it. i'm really thankful to God that i'm still sober.
there are a lot of people that want me to go home. this time for good. a lot of people, for varying reasons. because some people care. but some people just don't give a damn. they just want me to go home, thats all. isn't it right dear? because people with rage can do a lot of damage. it might happen or it might not. it all depends on a lot of things, reasons, factors, or whatever. more sacrifices has to be made and it doesn't look good.
i wish i don't have to make a lot of choices. i know soetimes we have to make choices. i mean the hard one. the one that involve 'life' and 'death' of your life or anything that connects directly to you. it is just a wish. hanya sekadar luahan rasa je.
walaupun aku terasa perit dugaan yang datang tak akan berlalu dalam masa terdekat ini, tetapi aku sentiasa berdoa ia akan cepat pergi. aku redahkan saja lah buat masa sekarang. boleh tepis bagus lah, tak boleh tepis redah lagi lah. macam balik raya ni contohnya. ramai yang tanya mana dia? sihat ke?.. masak betul aku nak jawab. terpaksa la aku redahkan. first day raya dah buat dosa dah. maafkan aku. kesian parent aku. macam mana nak bagitau semua. tak sanggup rasanya nak tengok parent aku hadapi semua. apa lah yang aku dah buat ni. sedihnya Tuhan saja yang tahu.
i'm so sorry.
so i think that was it for now. take care home. i'll miss you dearly. love always.
