Melabuhkan Tirai 2008

"Selamat Tinggal 2008"

pejam celik pejam celik.. aik, today is the last day of 2008? wait *sambil gosok mata tengok calender kat henpon*.. yup, i think it is.

gosh! can you believe it? i repeat-today is the last day of 2008. it's like a blink of an eye and suddenly we are nearing the end. tomrrow is going to be a new year. a new beginning. whether we realise it or not a year has pass and most of us must be wondering what have we done or achieved or contribute or gain or whatever to whatever issues or target or objectives or goals that has been set or focused on or prioritised or.. something like that, this whole year. so the verdict? bad, very bad, worst, ok, good, very good, excellent? or maybe not so sure? it's in your hand. you decide.

so how about me? how does my life fare this year?

well.. truthfuly, this is the year that i really wouldn't want to remember. the year that i really want to forget. 2008 promises a new beginning, a new chapter. and indeed it was. but in a different kind of way and a different kind of twist. infact it was so twisted i became entangled in it. badly.

this is the year of mourning. i mourned a lot. i mean a lot! well i guess the effect you'll get when in shock. i mourned, i grief, i question a few things etc etc.. i'm getting mad aka crazy! :-) i could turn into the hulk. hehe.. luckily i managed to control my heartbeat thus preventing myself turning into a green-like monster. scary..

"Ada yang Hilang-Ipang"

i lost something this year. you might say "dude normal la tuh. everybody lost something somewhere. A lost his cat, B lost her earring, C got lost in the jungle and so on". i know but this year is especially stand out from the rest because the things i'd lost are the one that i cherish the most. that i loved the most. one of it was my scooter. i'm quite baffle myself as to why THIS year i lost quite a number or things that was dearest to me? one thing lead to another. coincidence or just plain bad luck only God knows. when you thought things were bad enough, it became very bad, then worst and then worst-er. God.. it totally drained you untill you were completly felt dejected an out of bound. i was walking on a very thin line of thread. there were no sunny days. the rain stop occasionally but the skies never opened up. it realy smacked you hard in the face.. or maybe the groin area.

at the same time i learned a lot this year. in work and in life. in work because i got a new job. in life because of the mourning-grieving-and-questioning thing. there were lessons learned. one thing that i learned was that we should never take things for granted. anything. friends, family, partners or even your enemy. i regreted a lot of things that i have ever did in my life. oh how i wish i could take it all back..

"Trying To find My Way-Lifehouse"

untill now i'm still searching on what is still left of me or for me. i'm still trying to find my way out. is it left or right? north or south? i'm not sure. haven't make up my mind yet. or maybe i'm not up to it yet.

"Seperti Yang Dulu-Ungu"

apa azam tahun depan?
who? me?

same as this year kot. none. hehe.. actually i have one but it didn't materialised. maybe i'll try again this year. so what do i hope for? well, i wish that 2009 will be at least for the better if not the best. i pray for the best. like everyone else i pray next year things would turn my way. i endured a lot this year so i really need it. i crave for it! i hope there is a silver lining somewhere for me.

last but not least, i would like to take this opportunity to wish all the people in this world a very Happy New Year 2009. may all of your dreams or what you had wish for comes true and i hope that next year will bring joy to all of you.

Amin.

Movie: Yes Man

today, well technically yesterday, suddenly out of nowhere din cikgu suddenly called me while i was still dreaming and told me he was on his way to fetch me. he was bored. understandable. so we went to watch a movie. Yes Man.

damn this movie was funny! undeniably one of the best movie so far this year. we were laughing our hearts out. so did the other moviegoers. i strongly recommended everybody to watch this funny shit. :-) sometime i just wish i could be like carl. but then not to say yes to EVERYTHING la. and also if i have the budget because most of if i think all comes down to money.

i'm considering watching it again. on second thought maaaaybe i'll just wait for the pirated copy. hehe.. save bajet..

Tahlil Arwah & Doa Selamat

last saturday ajak and i went to a tahlil arwah & doa selamat at farid's house. the doa selamat was for their new home and for his pregnant sister. after reciting the Yasin they served us lunch. it was a lovely house. and the food was delicious. then i sent ajak to pudu to catch his 'double decker' bus to jb. he was away for a long leave. he said he'll be back on new year day. here i go again. home alone.

lunch time: the front view of farid dol's house

hungry horse: nyesal aku amik sikit.. nak tapau ar balik ni.. sedap soit..

Selamat Hari Natal

all christians around the world celebrated christmas last thursday. so most of the shopping complexes decorated their premises with colourful and beautiful decoration. especially at the centre court where the creative minds offer its best. i managed to walk around a few shopping complexes and i was mesmerized.

1 Utama

The Curve

Renjis-Renjis Dipilis

di renjis renjis dipilis
ditepungilah tawar...
hai beras kunyit ditabur..
disiram si air mawar...

duduk dua sejoli...
diatas pelamin berseri...
dihias intan baiduri...
sebagai raja sehari..

limau purut serumpun...
dipilin mata suasa...
sepuluh jari disusun
berderai si air mata...

lenggang lenggok bergaya...
langkah segak tersusun..
andai tersasul bicara..
ampun dan maaf ku pohon

di renjis renjis dipilis
ditepungilah tawar...
hai beras kunyit ditabur..
disiram si air mawar...

.: best wishes from us :.
farid, man, wan, kok, anis, sha, hidayah, pak rem, imran, ijad, nana & foodline promoters

Selamat Pengantin Baru - Ayie & Mila

Selamat Pengantin Baru

Ayie & Mila
21 December 2008

last saturday, one of the most lovely couple i've met finally tied the knot after more than a year of loving and caring for each other. gold was the theme and both of them look marvelous and sweet. its a simple wedding but nevertheless everything was in good hands.

king & queen: "beta istiharkan esok cuti umum. khadaaaaamm!!.."

the akad nikah was done at a mosque near the bride's home but unfortunately we couldn't attend the ceremony because it was held early in the morning at around 9am while at the same time we were just on our way.

security guard: wei.. puting aku nampak tak..
king: ko diam la. pas ni ko kontrol trafik kat depan umah pak mentua aku..

i went there with a few of my friends. the 7 of us departed from our check point at kepong driving 2 cars around 930am and the journey took us around less than 2 hours. we believe (or at least farid believe) it should take us about 1 and a half hours. but UNfortunately it took us little bit more longer because we overshot the junction of a road leading to the bride's house. anyway, we finally arrived and what a lovely village it was. we were surrounded with padi field. sejauh mata memandang. i think this place could be used for therapy for trouble city folks because it really can give you a peace of mind. lovely.

two kings?: tall king & short king + 1 busybody-guard

as soon as we arrived there were already a lot of guest. its nearly noon and some of us were in need of food! so without further a due the hungry people went straight directly to the reception area and dive ourselves to the food served. lapor beb.. farid and sha were the pengapit so they went to the respective rooms to be groomed. the others? melantak la.. hehehe..

v.i.p:whei lhapa wei..
king: kho saba leh tak. akhu sekshe phakai bajhu nih..
cameraman: smiiileee...!!

even some of our promoters came. they were excited to come to this wedding because it was their 1st time attending a malay wedding reception. yup, all were chinese lenloi hehe.. they applied leave just to go to the wedding even though they were supposed to work because it was saturday and because christmas was around the corner and because they were short on target and so on so forth.

walk of fame: ha.. cepat cepat.. makcik ade apoimen ni.. yang cun belah kanan, yg huduh kiri..

when nearly all the guest had gone home, a few hampeh people just arrived and definitely late! lucky the food was still abundant. so they still got to eat. farid couldn't stand the sight of 1 roasted chicken all this while since they met at the pengantin's eating table and because this chicken was flirting with him. so while the kings and queens were busy entertaining guests, he made a pact with me to kidnap the chicken. i gave him some tips and he actualy kidnap this chicken! and what he did to this little chicken was sad and inhumane. ganas! nafsu serakah tol.

while farid harassing the chicken all of us were enjoying ourselves. chit chat-ting teasing making fun of some innocent couple(sorry ijad. can't help it. hehe..) and etc. finally, around maybe 4pm we were ready to go back to kl. after wishing the couple all the best we head our way back to traffic jams and polluted air. i have a lot of pic to upload but for the time being we'll make do with what i took with my hp.

well, last but not least, i wish both of my newly wed friend the very best of wishes a friend could wish for. i'm happy for you and i hope things would only be the better. the road will never be smooth but i'm sure both of you will do just fine. all you need is just a little bit of.. love. that's all.

congratulation guys!

Kita Hanya Merancang

planning is good. that's why people plan. but sometimes it doesn't happened the way it supposed to be. yesterday i plan a few thing to do today. but i managed only 1 thing. not even half.

today is suppose to be a good day right? well at least i want it to be. but it doesn't turn out that way. i mean, today is my birthday right? so things should be at leeeeeast normal right?.. wrong!! it doesn't always go that way.

frustrated? a little bit.. really?.. nah.. actually a lot bit! a HUGE bit!!!

can i curse?.. can i? can i?.. erm, to whom? mybe to myself?.. err, why not? ok.. D**N YOU!! S****D L****R F*****G I***T!!!!

i'm all f*cked up.. time flies and i'm really f*cked up.. :'(

Selamat Hari Jadi

hepi besday to me!..
hepi besday to me!..
hepi besday to meeeeeee!..
hepi besday tooo.. meeeee!..

today is my birthday. after the stroke of midnight, i sang myself a birthday song just now. just to cheer me up a little.

well, there's no birthday card for me this year for sure. let alone a present. its ok i think. one would probably ask is what is my wish this time around? whao.. the list go on and on. that i can tell you. i have soooooo many wishes.

but the 1 wish that i badly needed, that stands out from lots of other wishes is just simply, happiness. that is what i want the most. happy in life. no doubt money plays an important part in life nowadays. but even if you have all the money in the world, if you are not happy then life would be meaningless. agree? most people will. i can't expect to be smiling or laughing all the time. i know there must be up and down somewhere along the road. but if at the end of the day i can still manage to smile with my loved ones by my side, then i'll be happy.

how time has no mercy eh. it doesn't care who or what you are. suddenly i'm nearing half of my life already (if i divided the everage of malaysian male life span, i think). and what do i have to show the world (at least my world).. frankly, close to nothing.

underachiever?.. maybe.. or probably i am.

i remembered not so long ago when someone so dear threw a suprise birthday celebration at a mamak restaurant. together with a few close friends they bought me an expensive birthday cake (which i don't mind) and they sang the birthday song. infront of all the people! you guess it, i was surprised la ofcourse and humiliated.. hahaha!.. balas dendam la konon because we did this humiliation thing to 1 of my friend (also present that night) at wangsa maju. that night i was.. happy. so happy.. and that was a beautiful and sweet life back then. wish that i could taste it again. pray to God always.

yesterday was pakcik awaludin's birthday. he is 56th years old and just retired last friday. i wish him all the best and welcome to my father's club. both of them are retiree now..

so happy birthday to both of us. today i'm going to enjoy or pampered myself a little bit. maybe i'll buy myself a birthday cake (i mean a slice of cake) eat something delicious or watch a movie or buy something good. things that i haven't indulge in for a long time now. i need a little break. maybe i'll do it alone but it doesn't mean i couldn't enjoy it right. hope so.

well, happy birthday to me again. semoga umur aku panjang dan murah rezeki aku. Amin.

Pengorbanan

Aidiladha is also known as hari raya korban, commemorates the sacrifices made by the Prophet Ibrahim (hence the word 'korban,' which means sacrifice in Arabic).

i believe everyone must have done some kind of sacrifices in their lives. parents, children, spouse, fiancee, boyfriend, girlfriend, friends or whoever they are for different reasons. some are huge sacrifices and some are small sacrifices.

as for me, i also did some sacrifices here and there. small ones big ones. when my life took a turn, i just know that i have to make the biggest sacrifice of all.

and that is my life.

not that i want to kill myself or end it in any other way. what i want or what i need lies second now. it's not important what i want. all just seem to distant right know. maybe i'm still searching for the light at the end of the tunnel. life seems so hard.

for now on family is priority no.1. what ever i do or want to do, i will do it for my family. they have sacrificed a lot for me. a lot. love, money, support, everything. i owe them so much. my sister sacrifice so much for my parent. the thing is, i still couldn't afford to help her. and this has make me sad. very very sad.

every time when i pray, i prayed that i have enough capacity in terms of everything especially on the financial front, to help them ease at least some of the burden. it really kills me when i felt that i have done little so far. i want to contribute more. maybe i need to do more sacrifices. i just need a breakthrough. maybe a miracle.

i felt sorry for myself. pity. someone said to me all i can do right now is be patience and someday all things would turn out for the best. do i have a choice? maybe that is all i have left. patience.

Aidiladha Menjelma Lagi

this year, as any other years infact since i came here, i celebrate hari raya haji in kl. today ajak and me went to masjid amaniah in kepong for our raya prayer. then we head for breakfast because we were damn hungry. actually ajak was the 1 that was starving to death. i manage to prepare a hot cup of 3 in 1 coffee (yum yum) before we went out.

then we went back home. and now we're just resting our ass off. it's been raining the whole morning. infact the rain keep pouring down since yesterday. so no wonder we heard about landslides happening everywhere. 3 major landslide tragedy happenned over the past 3 weeks. and it costs several lives as well. so what was to blame? or should i say who? whatever the excuses are, at the end of the day it is ourself to blame. agree? not agree?.. hmm..

yesterday we did spring cleaning. and boy we cleaned up everything, sold whatever we could and throw away anything that were deem rubbish. and finally a house that i can proudly call home now.. hehehe..

yesterday we did some planning on what to do today. but we'll see what happens. it's still raining outside. still contemplating the cozy atmosphere to lepak-lepak at home. still felt strange though. i'm not sleepy even when i just had over 2 hours of sleep today.

yesterday ajak and me reward ourself by spending our hard earn money (by selling some old junk that has been occupying ou house for so long) to a nice meal at kfc. but we need to top up an extra 4.45 ringgit la. it was already around 4 o'clock and this time we were both starving to death. ajak was crawling through the steps and manage to order at the counter while needing some assistance to stand by some caring customers while i was leaning on a tree across the road unable to even stand because of the hungriness, begging for food from passerby while waiting patiently for ajak to buy our snack plate meal (good story telling eh?).. after that we just walk-walk around carrefour and jusco. went home aroung 10pm. tired woo..

today hopefully we get to walk-walk again. boring la kat rumah. at least for me.

Chelsea vs Ass-senal

we lost!.. 2-1..

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....

fuck!....

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....

Kepong-Denai Alam-Kepong-Bangi-Kepong

the route i used today. damn tired! i had to go to denai alam for roadshow. i don't know how to get to bangi from there so i figured that i go to kepong 1st for lunch. so i went. it has been a while since i dine at wak's. always my favourite spot for lunch. i arrived before office lunch time so i had alot of lauk to choose. heaven man..

i quickly ate my lunch then around 1pm i went to bangi. i think my butt went numb from the journey. if not for the cumpulsory attendance, i'll be home sleeping or play some gamehouse. then i had to contend the journey back home. luckily it was not raining today. but nevertheless, my butt went numb again. oh hell..

Pasukan Sorak Bowling Hampeh

yesterday my company held a bowling tournament between all central region areas. and guess what i went there of course but not as a bowler, but as 1 of the cheer leading team. i was 'forced' or shall we say paksa rela. we were supposed to do some cheer to our area, like every other team. so we made 1 like every other team. and it turns out horribly wrong. i think we were the worst cheer team that day. but hey, everything was about having fun. so with a thick skin i did it and i'm having fun. they also gave hampers to the top 3 best cheerleading teams. so it double as a competition also la.

the performance was done after all the games had ended. so we got to see all the other team make a fool of themselves and all the staff from varoius areas and branches, plus some on-lookers and customers, got to laugh at our faces. well, it was hilarious!

well, the sad thing was we didn't win (in your dream). but we didn't went home empty handed. the consolation was 1 of our area 5 (AM5) team did managed to grab the 2nd runners-up trophy (a small one), plus one of the bowler from am5 bowled the 3rd highest individual score so he also received his prize. i didn't remember which team from which area won the competition but the overall winner was from area1 (AM1). congrats to them.

hahaha!: kak lini was laugh us off.. damn it!

central one: batik, gong, kompang. i thought they were doing dzikir barat.

the winner: can you believe this team was the winner? the just dance! better go to dance competition.

AM7: i think area 7 must be the breading ground of devil, ghost and satan.

AM5 is winning winning: you got to be kidding me?

fool's gold: we got to join some high ranking managers & officers doing some not so high act. hehe..

kipas-susah-mati: a toddler came to support us.. not! her mom forced her to join. if not, no cartoon network.

camouflage?: chloe and man was thinking they could hide themselves. but to no vail. tough luck..

blue is the colour: AM5 war zone.

Menyepi Seketika

hi again. it has been some time since i post something. well the last post was on 20 oct. today is 29 nov. over 1 month. hmm, maybe i am just downward lazy. that's all.

a lot of things happened along the way. i just couldn't find the time (bullshit!) nor place (more bullshit!) to spare a few minutes to write something. there were ups and downs but generally my life is considered ok. a lot of epl game review, i missed out. the wins, the draw AND the loss. yes, the LOSS (damn it!).

i'll give you a quick summary of what had happened to chelsea this past month. in the league they sits comfortably at the top albeit only seperated by goal difference. they broke the record for successive away wins for league games. i think its 10 games on the trot. in champios league, 1 lost (roma) and i draw (bordeaux), not through yet to the next round (shit!). they were currently lie 2nd behind roma. sadly they are out of carling cup (not too sought after cup anyway). all in all, not exellent but better than average.

as for myself. there were times when i'm relax and smiling and there were times when the weight gets too heavy. and then there were times when i get a liiiitle bit nutty. but most of the time i do my own thing. just to pass the time.

Middlesbrough 0 - 5 Chelsea

king 'salamon': the 1st of a 2 goals scored 

was it good? no.. was it great? no.. it was AMAZING!!!!!!

can you believe the scoreline? well i almost didn't. i can't believe my eyes either. sitting infront of the plasma tv with friends at mamak and watched as the great ol chelsea utterly trashed boro was simply PRICELESS.

injuries? no problem. away match? big deal. score lots and lots of goals? as usual.. muahahaha!!! can't wait for the champions league game. chelsea vs roma at stamford bridge. it is unlikely that i can watch that game (office hours la sekarang.. waaaa...) but hopefuly the results will be satisfying. 

viva chelsea!!

Demam Lagi

it has been a week since i arrived in kl. and it has been a week since i write anything. today i'm on medical leave. i've been sick since yesterday. i'm down with fever. i'm feeling ok right now. better than yesterday. 

everytime i went back to kl, i will definitely have a fever. well most of the time. sometimes it baffles me. i mean who wouldn't. it's like a curse or something. or is it the weather? it has been raining since i landed here almost everyday. but rain or not, i WILL be down with fever sooner or later within a week after my arrival. sure does it, i am now. 

Berat Hati Memikul

today is my last day at home. tonight is also my last night watching astro because we don't have astro back in kl (only gov channel). i have this type of feeling every time i want to leave home. every time and every year for over 8 years. but this time the emotion may last longer. because last time i can divert this feeling of sadness. because i have a 'cousilor' back in kl to ease the strong emotion of sadness of leaving a place i call heaven on earth. a place i call home. 

but that was last time. 

berat betul rasa hati nak tinggalkan tempat asal ku. berat sangat. cuti seminggu rasa macam sekejap je. rasa macam baru semalam aku balik umah. dulu sebenarnya rasa berat sebab terpaksa meninggalkan keselesaan berada di rumah, di samping keluarga. makan minum terjaga, pengangkutan senang, tak keluar banyak kos, seronok dengan celoteh anak buah. tapi aku ada back up. so bila balik kl hati rasa berat dan  sedih. tapi ada insan yang boleh pujuk aku. aku boleh alih hati aku and i'm back to normal in no time. 

sekarang hati ni bukan berat kerana nak tinggalkan rumah semata-mata. tapi lebih risaukan pasal kerja aku. masa depan aku. terasa macam nak berhenti notis 24 jam je. risau tahap agung. tak keruan. tapi aku bukan anak orang kaya. siapa nak bayar bill aku? siapa nak bagi aku makan? siapa nak belikan minyak motosikal aku? sewa rumah? siapa nak tolong kurangkan beban kakak-kakak aku support parent aku? parent dah bersara. harapkan anak-anak tolong support. tak kan parent aku pula yang kena support aku. sampai bila aku asyik nak susahkan family aku. dah banyak kali aku susahkan dieorang. 

tapi back up dah tak ada. kaunselor pun dah tak ada. jadi aku pun tak tau nak buat macam mana sekarang. nak tak nak, sanggup tak sanggup, boleh tak boleh, aku kena juga lah harung semua rasa yang datang. ini lah yang buat aku hilang semangat. 

we must have some kind of motivation whenever we feel down. anything that can lift ourself up and keep going forward. i've lost mine and now i don't seem to find any yet. the one thing that saves me right now is a sane mind. there were several times that i thought i could lost it. i'm really thankful to God that i'm still sober.

there are a lot of people that want me to go home. this time for good. a lot of people, for varying reasons. because some people care. but some people just don't give a damn. they just want me to go home, thats all. isn't it right dear? because people with rage can do a lot of damage. it might happen or it might not. it all depends on a lot of things, reasons, factors, or whatever. more sacrifices has to be made and it doesn't look good. 

i wish i don't have to make a lot of choices. i know soetimes we have to make choices. i mean the hard one. the one that involve 'life' and 'death' of your life or anything that connects directly to you. it is just a wish. hanya sekadar luahan rasa je. 

walaupun aku terasa perit dugaan yang datang tak akan berlalu dalam masa terdekat ini, tetapi aku sentiasa berdoa ia akan cepat pergi. aku redahkan saja lah buat masa sekarang. boleh tepis bagus lah, tak boleh tepis redah lagi lah. macam balik raya ni contohnya. ramai yang tanya mana dia? sihat ke?.. masak betul aku nak jawab. terpaksa la aku redahkan. first day raya dah buat dosa dah. maafkan aku. kesian parent aku. macam mana nak bagitau semua. tak sanggup rasanya nak tengok parent aku hadapi semua. apa lah yang aku dah buat ni. sedihnya Tuhan saja yang tahu. 

i'm so sorry. 

so i think that was it for now. take care home. i'll miss you dearly. love always.

Chelsea 2 - 0 Aston Villa

cole: scoring the opener with a thunder shot.

i agreed with lampard. he made a statement before their match saying do aston villa have what it takes to break into the top 4? maybe not this season. they still have a loooong way to go my friend. well, the result says it all. chelsea won yesterday with a 2 goal scored by joe cole and anelka. both goal scored in the first half. 

the most irritating thing was that the match didn't have any live broadcast on astro. WTF? i was 'forced' to watch a delayed telecast after the west ham vs bolton game that the later won 3 - 1. oh well, chelsea won. no more jinx team right?.. right.

Masa Tak Terasa

it has been a week since i arrived back home and tomorrow i'll be back to kl. time flies by without we realise it. damn! it just felt like no time at all. aaarrgghh! i really want to stay a little bit longer. but i just can't. and it really make me a bit frustrated, a bit sad.

i'm just getting comfortable. i'm just settling down. i want to go back to kl. yet there is also a feeling in me that want to be back home. easy for some people to just say that i should go  back to where i belong. but for me it's not as easy as uttering the word 'baliklah'. i like kl. it's fun, exciting, happening. shopping, window shopping, lepaking, theme parks, easy access to other parts of malaysia, even singapore, food, movies, pirate dvds, pasar malam, aweks, cowoks etc etc. the list goes on. but even with all that kl got to offer me, doesn't matter how often i lepak, how far i travel, how much i laugh, there seems to be something missing in the puzzle. i don't feel 'fullfilled' you know. 

maybe because of after all that had happened, i just felt that kl has nothing to offer me anymore. don't get me wrong, kl has almost everything for a typical east malaysian guy like me. it's just that, i fell.. i have lost my purpose. even if i feel my life at home is no different than kl, infact maybe more boring interms of well, everrythng that i can imagine. but my family is here, i was born and raise here and most importantly, i'm cormfortable here. 

i have nobody in kl. i mean if anyting happens to me, i'm pratically are on my own. i do have friends but only a few left standing besides me. even they can't always be there when i'm in need.. hmm..  

i've got to think long and hard. time will tell. 

Rumah Baru

my sister and her family just moved in to their new house during last ramadhan. so they celebrated hari raya at their new home. it is a single storey house. corner lot. medium size but it is a nice house. the theme is green. 

i just wonder, when i could buy my own house. i want to own my own too. i'll just have to wait. actually i want a house more than i want a car. but if i can get hold of either one, i'll be happy. get both than i'll be happier. i'll try to buy a landed house. 

i'm not much of an apartment person. i also prefer a small to medium house. not that i don't like a big one but i think i just can't afford it. more over, it's easier to manage a small house. anyway, i would love to have a place to call home.

Raya?

i think there is something not right with me. i'm back home for hari raya but i didn't feel a thing. i mean the raya feeling, the excitement, the joy. i was sincere when i knelt down, kissed my parent's hands and asked for forgiveness. i was expecting at least a sad feeling. but no, nothing. this is totally unexpected. 

for the 1st time since i can remember i had no feeling what so ever. strange. AND confused. i think something already took effect. is this the new me? i hope not. i reeeallly hope not.

when we are used of doing something for years and suddenly it doesn't happen anymore, we get this strange feeling, awkward, diffrerent. in a bad way. 

i'm tired. not enough sleep i think. everything is exhausting.

CFR Cluj-Napoca 0 - 0 Chelsea

chelsea was held to a scoreless draw by a club i myself are not quite sure how to pronounce correctly. with drogba injured again and he will probably not play again pending the extent of his injury. 

well this was 1 of those games that chelsea didn't play to their full capability but every club has their own  not-so-good-day and maybe last night was the case for chelsea. neverthrless, it was an average performance fot the blues as this was the 1st time they met, ever. and with some research on the net, i found out that most of cluj's player are from south america and a wealthy romanian businessman bought the club around 3 years ago. 

anyway chelsea is still leading the group with 4 points (cluj also got 4 points but with goal difference). 

Kunjung Mengunjung Di Hari Raya

the mosque

on the 1st day of hari raya yesterday, after the raya prayer, we started our eating mode. eat and eat and eat. i didn't eat much at home. my mom made lontong. marvellous! but i tried to contain myself from eating too much because we had a lot of open house to attend to later on that day.

as usual during the 1st day of raya  every year, we did the balik kampung journey. just a 30-40 miniuts drive away from our house. my parent went ahead first.  me and my sis went later around noon. as i said, eat and eat and eat. nasib baik i had reserved spaces in my stomach for extra food intake. 

after a few hours of talking and eating finally the full-ness of my stomach finally sets in. and its time me and my sis got back home. then i slept unconciously until around 11pm (i only slept for 2 hours yesterday) before i woke up and went to my friend's house and lepak there untill 2am. (later watched chelsea play in CL with and unknown club and get a draw. damn!).

basically what i did on the 1st day of raya. nothing much. i just need to go to 1 of a friend's house and that is it. my raya is complete. as i only have these to house to visits during every raya. then i'll just sit home and relax. not as exciting as everyone else's raya maybe. but i'll have to make do of what i have. 

Di Keheningan Pagi Aidilfitri..

1 Syawal 1429H. 

berlalu sudah bulan ramdhan. maka tiba pula aidilfitri. mungkin ramai yang gembira kerana berakhirnya menahan lapar dan dahaga dari terbit fajar sehingga terbenam matahari selama sebulan. berakhirnya penyiksaan perut yang kelaparan seharian (bagi yang tak puasa sama je macam hari lain). tapi ramai juga yang bersedih kerana tamat sudah bulan yang memberi ganjaran berlipat kali ganda dari bulan-bulan yang lain. sedih kerana terasa tak cukup ibadat yang dilaksanakan. tak sempat nak menadah tangan berdoa kepada Illahi memohon keampunan atau memohon restu atau meminta pertolongan kerana terlalu banyak yang ingin disampaikan. 

walau apa pun perasaan masing-masing secara amnya boleh dikatakan kebanyakan orang gembira dengan kehadiran hari lebaran. bulan memohon kemaafan, meminta keampunan. bulan untuk melupakan pertelingkahan atau perselisihan lalu. jika ketika lain kita terasa berat untuk memaafkan, tetapi bila tiba hari raya, ada insan yang boleh berubah rasa. boleh terasa 'yang sudah tu sudah lah'. hati boleh memujuk ' tutup yang lama, buka lembaran baru'. so kalau nak jadi ketidak-puas-hati-an lagi lepas ni, itu lain cerita. yang peting kalau boleh ditamatkan sekarang apa salah nya. kalau bukan dihari mulia ni, bila lagi? so nothing to loose and everything to gain.

aku pun tak nak ketinggalan. aku pun nak memohon maaf. aku pun nak meminta keampunan. terlalu banyak kalau nak buat list. terutama untuk orang-orang yang tersayang dan disayangi. atau yang pernah menyayangi. banyak penyesalan. terlalu banyak yang ingin diungkapkan. tersangat banyak yang ingin diluahkan. 

tahun lepas aku bertakbir di perantauan kerana giliran aku untuk bekerja di hari raya pertama dan kedua. tahun ini aku bersyukur boleh bertakbir di tempat lahir ku. tetapi tahun ini sangat berbeza untuk aku. terasa pelik. ganjil. janggal. maaf, aku tak boleh menceritakan kesemuanya. cukup la sekadar yang Maha Esa mengetahui. 

banyak yang terbayang di kepala aku sekarang. terbayang di suatu ketika dahulu. terima kasih ku ucapkan. terlalu besar untuk dilupakan. terlalu banyak untuk dipalingkan. 

di keheningan pagi aidilfitri ini, dikesempatan ini aku ingin menyusun jari jemari aku memohon keampunan dan kemaafan. kepada rakan taulan mahupun yang tersayang. ke atas segala-galanya. perbuatan dan tutur kata. zahir dan batin. jika masa boleh diputarkan kembali alangkah gembiranya aku. tapi aku sekadar manusia biasa. aku bukan superhero. halalkan makan minum ku. aku redha jika tiada yang ingin memberikan kemaafan kepadaku. tetapi jika ada, aku harap ia datang dari hati yang penuh dengan keikhlasan. kerana aku sememangnya ikhlas memaafkan jika ada yang ingin memohonnya dari ku. 

salam sayang dari ku di hari yang mulia ini. aku menadah tangan memohon doa kepada Allah yang Maha Esa. supaya menghadirkan bahagia kepada semua terutama insan-insan yang ku kenali. dan yang pernah dikenali. yang masih ada mahupun yang telah pergi. perjalanan ku masih jauh dan berliku. 

Selamat Hari Raya. Salam Aidilfitri. 

Maaf zahir & Batin.

Penghujung Ramadhan, Merindui Ketenangan

today is the last day of the holly month of ramadhan. muslims around the world will fast and did the terawih prayer for the last time this year. time fly us by without us realised it. by tomorow a celebration will begin. 

i will begin my journey back to my home town. oh how i miss it so much. i need this break. i need something to ease my mind. something that could rejuvinate me. something where i could just relax and be myself. 

when the going gets taugh, sometimes we need a place to cool down. and no other place is better then a place we call home. no clients, no customers, no work, no deadline, no targets, no budgets, no tension, no frustration, no tiredness, or everything that we can relate to work. just the sofa, the food, the laptop and the astro. and the live football. 

honestly saying i think this ramadhan is the best yet for me since i arrived here. not in terms of my life or the fasting itself but in things like prayers. the 5-times-a-day prayer or terawih prayer or the doa i had been asking from God. i didn't say that i did every prayer everyday. well, there were still some 'holes' here and there. but at least i did better than last year. especially in the terawih section. maybe to some people i'm just a lousy muslim. but i'm proud of myself. maybe it is just a very small step. but a very meaningful one. this time around, i also berdoa a lot to God. i'm the one that people call 'sudah terhantuk'. the wound is big and it was bleeding profusely. hopefully it was for the better.

but make no mistake. this ramadhan is definitely the toughest one to date in terms of my personal life. only God and a few person knows what i'm talking about. 

today around noon, i will start my journey back home. hopefully i will arrive early at the airport because today is the last day of ramadhan and the balik kampung exodus are definitely not over yet. it's far from over. and hopefully (again) my trip would not be hit with any serious snag along the way. 

i do really mention a lot, words like hope and journey didn't i? well, that is what i need and my life right now. a journey full of hopes. that is the only few things i have left now. 

i'll be coming home soon. goodbye ramadhan. i'll sure miss you so much.

Memohon Keampunan

sometime you've got to do what you really have to do. even if it kills you. even if you don't want to. but you need to. because if you are not doing it, it will haunt you for the rest of your life.

your hands were trembling. you can't think straight. you can't breath properly. you nearly had a nervous breakdown. you can't even focus on your driving. but still you went on. because maybe this is the only chance. the timing was right and the time has come. either now or never. you chose now.

sometimes it is a bit strange that someone with the weakest of heart can do things that they can't or shouldn't do. maybe it was some act of desperation or maybe it was just necessary to make a statement to say that what they have build for years shouldn't be thrown out of the window. you can't change what had happened but you sincerely hope that things wont change too drastically. yes you can't hide the fact that it will not be the same anymore. ever. it will never be the same because the damage is done.

but you feel you have to make a point that even if you had lost everything, they shouldn't lost it too. they are not the one that should suffer too. guilty of everything was what was in your mind along the way. let the blame falls on you. not them. they are perfectly innocent. guilty again. almost every moment you thought of things that you can do to turn it all around. things that wont involve them.

but every time you think hard to want to patch things up, you ended being more hopeless, weaker, excruciating pain, sadder and finally you arrived to the point of mental breakdown. or in other words.. crazy. yes crazy. the threat is very real. VERY REAL. only the thought of your family and the believe in God prevent it from happening. for now. lets just hope your mind will hold on for as long as it could. hold on for its dear life. because if you mind fails, then life has no meaning anymore. you don't want it to happen. ever.

you love everyone. even if they are not officially connected to you anymore but there is still a bond that link them to you. you love all of them so much. you would do anything to take all this problems far far away from them.

pakcik and makcik. forgiveness he seek. and there will always be love in his heart.

Stoke City 0 - 2 Chelsea

get away from me: bosingwa was mobbed by team mates after scoring the goal.

stoke city was no match to the mighty chelsea as the blues romp to a 2 - 0 victory against the premier league newcomer. need me to say more. a win again. well....

Masih Kerja

i'm still working on monday. the feeling is excruciating! i'm already in festive mood right. so i think monday will be an acting day or hypocrite day. well depends. 

i can't wait to get back home. a place of serinity. a place of comfort and relaxation. in other words, heaven on earth for me. 

my boring days are just starting to take affect. starting today, either some people start to work full shift or they starts their journey balik kampung. hate being alone. but what to do. 

Portsmouth 0 - 4 Chelsea

easy beb: lampard scored from the penalty spot.

why was it so easy for chlesea to score 4 goals every time they met portsmouth? hmm.. maybe chelsea is too good. ops.. my bad. chelsea IS too good. case closed. courtesy of 2 from lampard and 1 each from molouda and kalou. i didn't watch this game. nevetheless a win is very satisfying. a beating is very very satisfying. hehe..

Kenyang Di Marche

-some of the evidence on display-

delicious. one word that sums it all. damn tasty! i went to berbuka puasa at marche. courtesy  of an angel. thank you darling. this time around i get to EAT there. not merely a guest of the guests. i get to taste all the delicious delicacies offered that night. it was simply marvelous. my taste buds cant even have the time to breath, if it has a nose. 

unfortunately i'm not worth the money if someone wants to treat me a buffet. because i'm not what i was 1 or 2 years back. but if someone insist, then rezeki jangan di tolak. of all the dishes, my favourite was the oyster. God it tasted so good i don't even know how to describe it. but i just manage to take the last 2. damn! 

i don't even remember when was the last time i really enjoy eating. this is not the place where we can go often you know. worth every cents. maybe someday i could bring my family here. someday.